A New Perspective on Love

Love. What is love? I was watching a movie yesterday with a friend, one of my all-time favorite Bollywood films “Jodhaa Akbar”. In one scene a monk or priest of the temple the king frequents speaks of love. To put it simply, he says “Heaven is a heart that has love in it. Hell is a heart that does not have love in it.”

Love can be many things, and it is many things. We all feel love and show it differently. For some it is in the touch of a hand, for others in a gentle embrace, still for some it is shown through kind words meaningful, thoughtful, and sincere. To love another, and to be loved by another, however, is something more. Is beyond imagination, beyond our capacity to even dream of, and before we feel it it’s beyond our understanding and comprehension. Yet we must know, because somehow we always seem to recognize it. Deep underneath, somewhere in our subconscious lives the understanding waiting to be unlocked by the source of love itself. I, in my own life have loved, and have been loved, and despite being hurt and trust being broken I continue to choose to love again and again. 

Pure love can never really be lost, it can be broken, it can be blinding, and like all love it can be painful, but the pain comes because pure love never really goes away. They may leave you, they may hurt you, and the pain may be beyond everything you’ve ever experienced. But although you have lost them, the love isn’t gone. Love never dies. There is a place where I go to be alone and think, love is with me then. Pain lingers because love does too. My heartbreaks are different now because I have come to understand this. Come what may I choose to love again, because the love is already there. This does not mean I place that love or plant that seed towards the same one who hurt me, but that I turn around and use the same ability to love in order to love another. I have a great capacity to love, and until I choose to force that love out and grow something cold and dark in its place, it will be there, constant and strong, and I can love again. So no, love is never lost, but we can choose to leave it behind. Love is ours. If we allow it, it can live in our hearts today and everyday, if we will nourish it and make the choice to love again. So will you choose to love another day or will you choose to leave it and to let your heart grow cold and dark in its absence?

I have felt Heaven near me as I have chosen to love again and again, regardless of life and circumstances. I truly believe that love is what makes Heaven the paradise of God that it is. What are YOU choosing to live, Heaven or hell?

Divorce and Remarriage

Marriage and family likely will one day be your greatest achievements, and these can be your greatest sources of joy. It all depends on us choosing to find hope where many people see despair and doubts. 

Remarriage is often talked down, because it is difficult to blend families. However, it should be noted that it is possible and has been done well and successfully. 

We hear more often of stories of stories where remarriages don’t work, destroy families more, or hurt parent-child relationships because it’s often hard to transition back to two parents especially when one is a completely new person. It’s difficult if one parent for whatever reason feels hurt by their spouse they will choose to .. In this same way, parent to parent relationships can also suffer because of children struggle to adapt and can feel left out. 

Widowers have more successful remarriages, but no matter the circumstances melding families CAN be done. Two divorcees could get married with children from previous marriages and make things work and find happiness. 

The question is how? How do we avoid making the usual mistakes? What can we do now to prevent separation and divorce where possible?

About 70% of those who divorce wish they hadn’t within 2 years. Not just because it is a difficult lifestyle change, but bc they believe they could have made it work. On the other hand, 70% of those who are dissatisfied with their marriages but stick it out for five years and are together through the hard stuff and don’t get divorced, after the five years feel satisfied or highly satisfied with their marriages. It proves true that working through issues and being there for each other in the hard times works! Not only for friendships and family bonds, but in your marriage. 

Step-parents also have negative connotations due to movies and fairy tales. Just because the stories of our youth we have been taught something, doesn’t mean it is true. Anyone can be a great step-parent, but let’s look at where people go wrong and some ideas of what qualities a step-parent will need.

The biggest issue step-parents are confronted with are how to discipline or handle children that aren’t actually theirs. This can lead to a lot of problems that end badly for both parents and children and can end in another divorce. So how do you discipline your spouses child? Simple, you don’t. 

In a sense you become their fantastic aunt or uncle. As this person in their life here are some good qualities to have:

• Joyful
• A great listener (who knows when to talk to their spouse about what is goin on in their child’s life)
• Gives great and loving counsel/advice
• Expresses love 
• Would take child(ten) as their own/live them and want to keep them. 
• Accepting, kind and warm
• Engaged in child’s life and supportive
• Takes care of them when parents can’t 

Think about your own aunt or uncle (whether blood relation or figure). What qualities did they have?

Recognizing that they aren’t your child, but that you can still be and example and have a good impact on them. 

Whatever your current situation may be, and what our culture is, you can still make things work. You can change the norms and change the culture! 

Family Advocacy Project - Will you stand for the Family?

Does your family mean the world to you? I know mine does! Do you aspire to rear your children well, and be a phenomenal parent? Or pass on your greater knowledge and wisdom to your grandchildren? 

Family is so important to us for so many reasons. I have recently changed my major from Psychology to Marriage and Family Studies. This came as I began taking classes on the family and came to a greater understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve learned of their importance on a psychological level. We each wanted to be loved and to belong, we wanted to be a part of something. Our families gave us that. Beyond that, God also thinks families are important. In fact, He started the first family, and created the parents that began it all here on Earth, Adam and Eve.

However, you look at it, the family is such a wonderful part of every culture and society. The family is what brings us together and unites us, not only within ours but in the world. We may be different races and countries, have different backgrounds, values, beliefs and religions. Despite all the differences you could ever think of, we all have families; whether those we were reared in, those who chose us, or those in our lives we chose to call family. The basic unit of any society remains the same for all. Yet the world is attacking this precious element of life that can bring so much joy. Why?

Why does the world tear down the titles of father and mother and slander their roles as parents? Could you imagine not having a parent or either parents? Maybe for some of you this was a reality. Or perhaps for some of you, your parents were not tender, loving, or caring. I know friends who have been abused in their families, who have lived in homes of abuse, neglect or hardship. To you and to all let me say that YOU can change that! We can change the typical, the trends, and the norms of today. Those that tell us it isn’t worth it to put up a fight are wrong. It is something only WE can do.

Do we not owe it to the next generation to be better parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and to fight for their future? Do it for the children, do it for those who suffered yesterday, for those who suffer today, and for those who don’t have to suffer tomorrow. Do it for the abused, and the neglected, the unloved, the uncared for, the forgotten. God has not forgotten, and He has not let these acts go unnoticed.

Over 20 years ago, almost 25 in fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints issued to all a statement on the family, titled “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”. This I know is God’s word to us today about the family, and it speaks His truth:

"WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society." (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 129.)

God will remember His children in their suffering, and he will remember those who have hurt, neglected or forgotten their children and families. It is our responsibility to recognize that we too will stand before God. What will we say? Will be able to say that we defended our faiths, families, values, and His children?

I never could have imagined just what has happened to the family today. Disintegration is probably the perfect word. According to Merriam – Webster’s dictionary it is “the breaking down of something into small particles or into its constituent elements and loss of unity [or] integrity by or as if by breaking into parts.” Either way we are taking apart the family. We do it by saying that it demeans a woman that her title is only mother. Mother was once a title of honor, and respect. We do it when we say that children are a burden. Were we not children once? We do it when we say we do not need a father, or a husband. Do we not need God? He is our Father, it a title He chooses to be called, out of every name He could ask us to call Him. Does that not speak volumes to parenthood?

Reading these two paragraphs I always wondered, what was meant by “the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” What were they specifically? This semester in one of my classes we discussed them, and I wanted to share some of what I found:

2^nd Timothy 3:1-5 (KJV)

“1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”

Moses 7:65-66

“65 And it came to pass that Enoch saw the day of the coming of the Son of Man, in the last days, to dwell on the earth in righteousness for the space of a thousand years;

66 But before that day he saw great tribulations among the wicked; and he also saw the sea, that it was troubled, and men’s hearts failing them, looking forth with fear for the judgments of the Almighty God, which should come upon the wicked.”

D&C 45:26-27, 31-33

“26 And in that day shall be heard of wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them, and they shall say that Christ delayeth his coming until the end of the earth.

27 And the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound.

31 And there shall be men standing in that generation, that shall not pass until they shall see an overflowing scourge; for a desolating sickness shall cover the land.

32 But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved; but among the wicked, men shall lift up their voices and curse God and die.

33 And there shall be earthquakes also in divers places, and many desolations; yet men will harden their hearts against me, and they will take up the sword, one against another, and they will kill one another.”

D&C 97:22-28

“22 For behold, and lo, vengeance cometh speedily upon the ungodly as the whirlwind; and who shall escape it?

23 The Lord’s scourge shall pass over by night and by day, and the report thereof shall vex all people; yea, it shall not be stayed until the Lord come;

24 For the indignation of the Lord is kindled against their abominations and all their wicked works.

25 Nevertheless, Zion shall escape if she observe to do all things whatsoever I have commanded her.

26 But if she observe not to do whatsoever I have commanded her, I will visit her according to all her works, with sore affliction, with pestilence, with plague, with sword, with vengeance, with devouring fire.

27 Nevertheless, let it be read this once to her ears, that I, the Lord, have accepted of her offering; and if she sin no more none of these things shall come upon her;

28 And I will bless her with blessings, and multiply a multiplicity of blessings upon her, and upon her generations forever and ever, saith the Lord your God. Amen.”

These are just a few. This last one shows God’s love and mercy towards his children. However, knowing these calamities, the question now becomes: What can WE do NOW to fight these evils?

These quotes are from different speeches given addressing these “calamities” and this question as to what actions we can take now:

"One such prophet was Malachi, who admonished parents to turn their hearts to their children and children to their parents, lest the whole earth be cursed (see Mal. 4:6).

To these warnings, ancient as the Old Testament and current as the proclamation on the family, I add my own voice of warning, specifically concerning today’s media and the powerful negative effect it can have on families and on family life." - Elder M. Russel Ballard (Oct. 2003 "Let our Voices be Heard").

 “This generation will be called upon to defend the doctrine of the family as never before in the history of the world. If they don’t know it, they can’t defend it.” (Julie B. Beck – March 2011 Ensign)

“In addition, we need to greatly increase religious observance in the home. Weekly family home evening and daily family prayer and scripture study are essential. We need to introduce into our homes content that is ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.’ If we make of our homes holy places that shelter us from evil, we will be protected from the adverse consequences that the scriptures have foretold.” - Elder Cook (“Let There Be Light” Nov. 2010 Ensign https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/let-there-be-light?lang=eng)

In summary, we need to recognize the effects of media, and other every day life normal tendencies, have on our families. It may be Summer, but maybe it’s time to do some Spring Cleaning as far as letting go of bad habits, clearing the clutter of activities that don’t strengthen or help our families. Or even by increasing the good you do as a family, and spending more time together. We need to be better educated. What is the family? How is it being attacked? How can I help? We need to make our homes a safe place for ourselves, our spouses, our children, and for all who enter.

Will you take initiative and will you uphold the family as the fundamental unit of society? I would love to hear from you, whether you’d like to comment below as to what you will do or if you’d like to private message me. Let’s take action together!  

Parenting – change your child’s life for better or worse – you decide!

This week was my parents anniversary, so it’s kind of funny that this week we discussed parenting. We discussed specifically the purposes of parenting and who benefits from how we parent.

I, however, want to express how these same lessons, techniques and skills can work in other relationships.

I have a close friend, who I have known for many years, who I often feel a parent towards. I have started reflecting more and more on why, and began recognizing in my classes why she often felt like my child.  

My friend, I didn’t realize, was using me as a crutch. The other problem being that I didn’t realize I was falling into that role. I was turning into a pampering parent, where I almost did everything for her. Not good, for her or me. I first started realizing about three months into living with her. While we had been friends for years, it was a completely different experience living with her my first semester at college. It became hard on me emotionally, and mentally. She was starting to be abusive and manipulative, just in small ways, but I see red flags before most people. I moved out for the next semester, but still saw her frequently. Because I was no longer living there, she wanted to hang out and spend time together more often. I had to take more thought as to the things I was doing and became friends with someone who was starting to see what I saw. He gave me a different perspective and allowed me to see that I wasn’t imagining things. I HAD become a crutch and I was beginning to realize I was also becoming used to that role, and within a few months of being a friend I could now easily fall into that role. I needed to come out from under her without knocking her over, but I also needed to do it quickly. I slowly began this process by allowing her to be affected by natural consequences, and then logical ones, which we will discover today.

 - This is what really spoke to me from this week’s classes –

Popkins’ “Problem-Handling Model”.

When we have a problem/issue, the first thing we have to realize is there is both a perpetrator and an owner of the problem. These two, however, are not always the same person. Let me explain. Say your 8-year-old son doesn’t want to go to school and you try and wake him up and he refuses to do anything. Your 8-year-old son is the perpetrator, but who owns the problem? Ownership has a very different meaning than it used to, in the 1828 dictionary states it as “Property; exclusive right of possession; legal or just claim or title.” Too often we only think property and then move on. “Legal or just claim” would work well here though, as the parent has a legal right to educate their child and lays claim to certain consequences of disregarding those laws. Even past that they have a responsibility the own to that child. If the child doesn’t apply themselves or cheats their way through school that is on them and they own those consequences. An easy way to find out who owns the problem is filling in the blank in this sentence. This is a problem for _______. Also consider, who is being affected, and who cares.

In this model we talk about natural consequences, logical consequences and punishments/rewards.

Natural consequences just like it appears, could be anything from a kid touches the hot stovetop and burns his hand, to a child running in street who gets hit by a car. Mostly, besides in the case of being hit by the car, these are things our children can constructively learn from by experiencing. Now, this being the case, there are some times we should step in and protect our children from natural consequences. We talked about three specifically, 

1.      When it is too dangerous (if they are playing by the street, even though they have been told not to, we are there to tell them they have lost privileges when they don’t listen- instead of just letting them play and hoping they listen). 

2.      Too far in the future to make a good impact or any difference – if they don’t actually learn anything until it is too late (they go to jail, realize they should have gone to high school at 30, etc…)

3.      If it’s harmful to others – If its effects hurt others what are we really teaching our child(ren)?

Many of these things will teach our children best and prepare them for real world experiences. If we can’t help them recognize what they will face and prepare them for it, then we are not truly using our place as father or mother to its fullest potential. Our children will learn best by our examples, behaviors and how we parent.

Logical consequences are logically connected to natural consequences. They must:

-          Be discussed beforehand with child

-          Be the plan for when a polite request to behave/mind are disregarded

-          Are if/then or when/then statements

-          Always be followed through with the first time

-          Be firm and friendly when discussed

-          Be something you are willing to follow through on

-          Involve the child in the discussion

-          Not be final, give the child another chance.

Finally, the third option is punishments and rewards. This option is the worst, yielding immediate results perhaps, but nothing lasting is learned. This is when we bribe, manipulate or coerce or children to obedience and/or desired behavior.

Think about how this may be affecting your relationships even outside of family, I know we could all benefit from understanding what Popkins put so well. Check out more about him and his “Problem-Handling Model”! It may just change your life!

Are Fathers Optional?

More and more often we are seeing a rise in single mothers and fatherless children. This has been a trend for as long as our history books have record, and we seem to be doing alright. Is there a difference? Does having a father as part of the family and as a parent figure change anything drastically?
Personally, I grew up with a father and I had some close friends who did not. Looking back I always recognized there was something different, but never pinpointed it as me having a dad. One of my best friends growing up was an only child and had no father, well, he wasn’t really a part of her life anyway. We grew up very differently because of that and there is definitely a difference in choices made growing up. We both had similar religious beliefs and backgrounds (we went to church together), and yet we led very different lives right around when I moved and we entered high school. Her relationships with boys were very different from my own, and I think it was largely related to having a father (and maybe also because I have a brother too).
Enough about me though, let’s see what the scholars have to say. I found a few studies that show some interesting results as far as the role and importance of Father’s.
Let's look at the numbers:
"The 2003 Parent and Family Involvement in Education Survey of the National Household Education Surveys Program ( n = 12,426) shows that 
28% percent of White students, 
39% of Hispanic students, 
69% of Black students, and 
36% overall live without their fathers. 
In bivariate comparisons, absent-father status is associated with reduced well-being: worse health, lower academic achievement, worse educational experiences, and less parental involvement in school activities. When socio-economic factors are controlled, father-absence is associated with small deficits of well-being."(DeBell, 2008)
Those are some significant statistics, that is a lot of our youth, and that was in 2003. We can only imagine how this really affects the youth. 
Regardless of where you are from, being fatherless, or having absent fathers, is a bigger part of problems within the community than you might think. It affect our children, who affect each other and then more then just the single mother homes and families suffer. In this case study done in a rural community in South Africa has the same results we see anywhere else:
"Children with absent fathers' experience emotional challenges as they often envy the benefits that the fathers give to their children and that cause emotional glitches to the children. Also, the absence of the father leaves a gap in meeting the basic needs of the children as their single mothers' struggle to put food on the table on their own and at times as they are having no one to help them, they are not able to meet all the family needs. The phenomenon of absent-fathers still remains a challenging issue in many communities. Children deserted by their fathers irrespective of the reasons advanced have a void in the lives regarding the father-figure with its concomitant benefits and responsibilities." (Koketso, 2019)
Futhermore, many children experience differences because of gender. Young boys, or sons, without a father:
"Findings revealed memories of loss and missed opportunities, poverty and disadvantage. Men recollected their mothers attempting to balance their physical and financial security with their emotional needs. Findings from this study suggest that men who experience father absence from an early age can experience an ongoing sense of loss and disadvantage that may be carried throughout life. We recommend this population of men be provided with opportunities to disclose feelings about their experiences as father-absent boys when coming into contact with health and social services" (East, 2017)
Whereas, young women, or daughters, with an absent father(all I could find was a study on emotionally absent fathers) :
"The participants experienced difficulty in sharing emotions with their fathers and fathers did not show affection or express their love. The participants perceived their fathers to have shown no interest, approval or acknowledgement of them, and viewed them as untrustworthy. They also believed that relationship qualities with their fathers influenced how they related to men in general. Father emotional absence negatively impacts on daughter's emotional well-being."(Peyper, 2015)

Even if this research doesn’t change your mind about fathers, I hope you are at least open to learning more. There is so much more information out there, and you should be aware of it at least. I have seen the difference a good father can have in a home and I’ve seen even not so great parents (mother and father alike) that have some sort of good impact on their children. Either parent is so important to the equation, one of the Beatles said they couldn’t imagine not having a mother, life without a father is equally missing something. Life is complete with them both!
My father is someone I look up to and I’m very close to, it’s because of him that I’ve recognized what I want in my future husband (and what I don’t). I’m closer to him than my own mother, and I think that surprises people. I could not imagine life without my dad.

References

East, L., Hutchinson, M., Power, T., & Jackson, D. (2017). Men’s Constructions of Mothering:             Growing Up in Father-Absent Families. International Journal of Men’s                                      Health, 16(1),37–48. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.3149/jmh.1601.37

DeBell, M. (2008). Children Living Without Their Fathers: Population Estimates and 

          Indicators of Educational Well-being. Social Indicators Research, 87(3), 427–443.     

          https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s11205-007-9149-8

Koketso, M. F., Calvin, M. J., Lehlokwe, S. I., & Mafa, P. (2019). Perspectives of Single                       Mothers on the Socio-Emotional and Economic Influence of “Absent Fathers” in                       Child’s Life: A Case Study of Rural Community in South Africa. E-BANGI                                   Journal, 16(4), 1–12.     Retrieved from                                                                                               http://search.ebscohost.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/login.aspx?                                                             direct=true&db=aph&AN=137064111&site=ehost-live

Peyper, E., de Klerk, W., & Spies, R. (2015). Experiences of young adult women with emotionally absent fathers. Journal of Psychology in Africa, 25(2), 127–133. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/14330237.2015.1021513

Communication IS Everything

A few weeks ago we talked about patterns. How important it is that we establish good habits in relationship early on. This perpetuates a healthier relationship later on, and makes life so much easier. One of the most important patterns to set or create in any relationship is communication. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before communication can make or break a relationship, be open with your friends/family/spouse/significant other, etc..

What you, perhaps, have not heard quite as much is just how much of communication is actually made up of the words themselves…

Tone 35%

Non-verbal 51%

Words 14%
Does any of this data surprise you? This is especially important to note when looking at a communication diagram.

The "source" begins with a thought or feeling they wish to express. The (source) person delivering the message encodes it, using what they know and understand about words, symbols and meanings to package it just right to portray the correct meaning. Then that message is sent through some type of media (face to face, text message, phone call, email). The message must then be decoded by the person receiving the communication. This decoding, once again, is dependent on that persons’ understanding of the world and their views on words, symbols and meanings. Then, after receiving it they understand it as a specific thought or feeling (whether or not it’s the same one the person who expressed it meant it as.How we express ourselves outwardly, has much to do with the way we present ourselves (body language, facial expressions, attention/lack of attention to whom we are speaking). What surprised me was the huge difference between tone and words. Then way we present our words is worth more (is given more acknowledgement) than the words themselves. Words are almost worthless by themselves. When someone you don’t know, and most certainly doesn’t know you, says something very endearing and maybe even personal you might feel creeped out. If the same sentence was spoken by your closest friend, family member or your significant other, however, it is the sweetest thing. Its is all about how it is presented, the context, and who says it.

Recently, I asked my friend what he has heard said about communication. His response was absolutely accurate, “poor communication is a symptom of a bigger problem”. He is on to something here. Poor communication is usually a big issue, but only because lack of communication or poor use if it adds greatly to other big issues. You can also use communication to fight, or give others the “cold shoulder”.

Whether we realize it or not, “the silent treatment” is even communication. Isn’t it true when using that, you are really trying to communicate something very clear to the other person?

Alright, so we have recognized how to communicate poorly, not how do we do it right?

In class we discussed David Burns “5 secrets of Effective Communication” from his books “Feeling Good” and “Therapist’s Toolkit”. These simple yet efficient strategies and tools really can help us express ourselves and understand others. I strongly encourage you to read his books, but here is a sneak peek at his wisdom:

      1.  The disarming technique - help others not get defensive, find or focus on the kernel(s) of truth. (Pop the kernel of truth into popcorn/make it palatable. Don’t make light of the situation, but create a more comfortable atmosphere. Use this especially if the other person is being unreasonable.

2. Express Empathy- 

There are two kinds of empathy 

A: Thought Empathy = repeat back what they say

B: Feeling Empathy = express the feelings of their heart, but in your own words

3. Inquiry - As an act of generosity and humility. Let’s be honest, if someone wants to fight with you or is attacking you somehow usually the last thing you want to do is hear them out. Tell them you’d like to hear more and listen with love. Care to understand.

4. “I feel/I felt Statements - Deep statements, these are better than ones more natural like absolutes (“you always” or “you never”).

When _________(situation/event “_____ happened”) 

I felt/feel ________ (emotion “hurt/scared/misunderstood”

Because ________ (thoughts “this is what I’m thinking when this situation occurs”)

I would like _________ (hopes/desires “for us to try this in a future situation”).

5. Stroking - Now express genuine appreciation, and admiration for that person. Rub them the right way.

If someone is attacked and they feel the need to defend themselves they have proved their attackers right. If they lower their defenses they’ll be proving them wrong.

However we choose to communicate, however we act/demonstrate how we feel and whatever comes out of our mouths, let’s remember something: Love first, and listen first.

Is Stress Good for You?

Have you ever wondered why everyone is always stressed out? Why you’re stressed out? Are you ever stressed when there isn’t any stress in your life because you wonder when life is going to hit with something else? Here’s an even crazier thought... have you ever thought maybe all that stress you face daily is actually a good thing? Stress on you as individual or within relationships with others or even your family? Do you ever look back and actually see some good come out of it? 

Stress is a normal part of our lives, if you hadn’t noticed. It’s not only normal, like bacteria, fat, or chocolate, a certain kind, type or amount is healthy and actually good for you. Obviously, let’s keep in mind we need moderation in all things, and I’m not saying ALL stress levels or types are 100% healthy. In fact, even the kind that is healthy to one person, can be bad for someone else. Let me take a step back and explain that better. It’s healthy on a person-to-person basis. The amount it can help you and those around you is determined by how you and others perceive the stress. 

Let’s take a look at one example of this: 

Bridget’s mom woke her up like she usually does every morning for school. “Ugh” she grumbled beneath her comforter. Why didn’t her mom just get her an alarm clock like everyone else had. Something she could hit in the mornings to get her anger out, and she could program it for however many snoozes she wanted. (Bridget doesn’t seem very happy right now. She perceives life as being a drag and is thinking pretty negatively.) 

Then her mom says “Come on honey, didn’t you want to check out that sale at the mall?” Bridget immediately returns to reality. Oh wait, it’s Saturday! She thought to herself. How could I have forgotten! She sat up straight in her bed, and looked at the analog clock on her wall, was it really that late already? Thank goodness mom woke me up in time. (What changed? Why is Bridget’s outlook suddenly brighter?)

Bridget’s attitude of things small to big changes in this scenario based on her perception. She was negative when she saw her life as hard and against her, but when things went her way she saw things previously negative as positive. Naturally this type of scenario is very small in scope to most family stressors. Also, it should be pointed out that Bridget very well could have kept her negative attitude even after remembering it was Saturday and there was a sale at the mall. On the other side of things she could have reacted to all of it positively. The way we perceive life in general is very important too. 

Someone very wise once told me “never assume”. The more I learn about the things that cause strain, what actually begins the strain is perception of others (ex: your relationship with them) and the stress itself.

Perhaps, for example, you and your friend are upset with each other. However, upon communication you find that you assumed she was angry at you and she thought you disapproved of her new hairstyle and she couldn’t stand the thought of her friend was judging her. Assuming will never find the truth, and most of the time what we assume isn’t true. These lies are what make us fear - or stress about - stressors or strain on  family life and life in general. 

Of course, there are definitely cases of depression and anxiety out there. There are many who need to work through these problems, and we are blessed to constantly have more and methods and means to solve these day to day difficulties. I myself struggle with anxiety and Seasonal Affective Disorder or (SAD), a type of depression. 

Something our professor mentioned this week rang true with me, and hope even if you feel differently that you’ll at least see things in a new light. 

Fear, stress and anxiety is about how you perceive things. For example, if you’re like me and you don’t like confrontation. Yet, hidden behind that is the fear that you don’t have what it takes to stick up for yourself and/or you don’t want the friendship/relationship to end. Changing this fear, will take take changing your perspective. Maybe you are good at confrontation. Have you given yourself a chance? Likely if you’re afraid of it, you want peace and happiness for everyone involved. That sounds like a person capable of having a good talk and working through problems carefully and considerately(not a screaming match). If others can’t handle confrontation or talk civilly that isn’t on you. It doesn’t take away from any of your abilities to be calm and open. Now that perception has changed. You no longer view yourself as a failure before you even let yourself try. How confident do you feel now confronting someone? 

In the family stress or stressors (events that can bring strain to the family) can either make or break families. What happens as a result is up to the family. 

The death of a child can grow family ties and bonds, or each member can pull away and it can tear the family apart. 

How does the family perceive it? Is this the end, the last time they will see this child? Do they believe in an afterlife or reincarnation? How will this change their view? Death is death, but hope is hope! If the family believes they will see their child/sibling again, that gives them hope and a different perspective on death. It’s no longer “the end”, it’s an end, and also a beginning.

Will this event change the family for better or for worse? Everyone in the family may be experiencing slightly different pain or emotions, but the root cause is the same. They each are going through the same stressor, regardless of whether in the same fashion as the next person. Holding to each other in this hard time is most important. Especially the parents! If Mom and Dad are the example, and are hanging onto each other, the children will likely follow suit. 

Sex: Taboo or TMI

Why are we so afraid to talk about sexual intimacy with our children? If we don’t communicate with them about it, they will be confused. Especially when it was such a common theme in ALL our media.

It is understandable to be uncomfortable or intimidated by the thought of explaining and teaching children these concepts and instilling in them values. Many of our own parents struggled to educate us. I never even got “the talk.” Their parents spoke little to nothing of anything sexual, since it became taboo during that time. Can we really blame any of them? We can change this track record; we can help our children become educated and safe. We can start a trend of understanding and education, so our children can make decisions worthy of who they are.  We can help them put the sacred in sexual intimacy, and help them understand it’s nature as divine and a blessing that must be treated with respect.

How?

Our generation has been blessed with so many amazing resources, especially with the internet. In preparation for class we discovered some of these resources.

Two very helpful and useful sources were:

 The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy’s “Making a Love Connection” by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson.

And, the pamphlet “A Parent’s Guide”, by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Both of these resources pointed out that as parents we need to be the ones to educate our children, and that we need to change our mindsets and quit focusing on the negative alone. Too often (and maybe for that reason) we avoid teaching them how to successfully navigate relationships. In fact, the author’s of “Making a Love Connection” state the importance this plays in our children, and more specifically our teens. “Helping young people understand the very nature of relationships has been the missing ingredient in the nation’s efforts at delaying sexual activity, avoiding teen pregnancy, and helping prepare young people for successful marriages. Teens hear about biology and body parts, they are instructed on how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but rarely are they given guidance about how to successfully navigate the minefields of teen and young adult relationships. In short, young people are often told what to avoid, but hardly ever told how to achieve responsible and respectful relationships. As the authors suggest, we need to address what motivates teens and appeal to their aspirations rather than continue to simply try to help them manage risks.”

Our society really has grown lax in showing and teaching our children and adolescents what the appropriate “sequence of success” is when it comes to relationships, sexual intimacy, and marriage. In fact, much of the world’s beliefs when it comes to these three aren’t true, although logic would agree. Things like cohabitation before marriage (to test things out), young teens in serious relationships, and getting married well into your career and financial stability.

“. . . too many young people, and adults for that matter, are—as teens would say—clueless about this sequence of success and shouldn’t be.” What is this “sequence of success” they are referring to? “Graduate from high school (at least), don’t have a baby until you are married, and don’t marry during the teen years. By doing so, young people greatly reduce their chances of poverty and divorce.” Don’t we all want that for our children? Stronger future relationships and marriages for our kids will require us to begin educating them young. Although many of us are not yet parents, the time to prepare is now! The time to decide how we will raise, teach and educate our children is now. Here are some ideas from the pamphlet "A Parent's Guide":

-Talk more than about the facts of life, communicate values and convictions about sex, love, commitment, and marriage.

- Gather and utilize resources on how to express and talk about sex, love, emotions, commitment, relationships, and marriage.  

- Participate in/with schools, communities, religious groups, youth development programs, and other youth-serving institutions to include parents as partners in in sex and relationship education.

- Keep things simple. Use pamphlets, talking points, fact sheets, online assistance, sample scripts, and easy - to - use booklets.

References:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/title-page?lang=eng
http://advocatesforadolescentmothers.com/wp-content/uploads/love_connection.pdf