Communication IS Everything

A few weeks ago we talked about patterns. How important it is that we establish good habits in relationship early on. This perpetuates a healthier relationship later on, and makes life so much easier. One of the most important patterns to set or create in any relationship is communication. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before communication can make or break a relationship, be open with your friends/family/spouse/significant other, etc..

What you, perhaps, have not heard quite as much is just how much of communication is actually made up of the words themselves…

Tone 35%

Non-verbal 51%

Words 14%
Does any of this data surprise you? This is especially important to note when looking at a communication diagram.

The "source" begins with a thought or feeling they wish to express. The (source) person delivering the message encodes it, using what they know and understand about words, symbols and meanings to package it just right to portray the correct meaning. Then that message is sent through some type of media (face to face, text message, phone call, email). The message must then be decoded by the person receiving the communication. This decoding, once again, is dependent on that persons’ understanding of the world and their views on words, symbols and meanings. Then, after receiving it they understand it as a specific thought or feeling (whether or not it’s the same one the person who expressed it meant it as.How we express ourselves outwardly, has much to do with the way we present ourselves (body language, facial expressions, attention/lack of attention to whom we are speaking). What surprised me was the huge difference between tone and words. Then way we present our words is worth more (is given more acknowledgement) than the words themselves. Words are almost worthless by themselves. When someone you don’t know, and most certainly doesn’t know you, says something very endearing and maybe even personal you might feel creeped out. If the same sentence was spoken by your closest friend, family member or your significant other, however, it is the sweetest thing. Its is all about how it is presented, the context, and who says it.

Recently, I asked my friend what he has heard said about communication. His response was absolutely accurate, “poor communication is a symptom of a bigger problem”. He is on to something here. Poor communication is usually a big issue, but only because lack of communication or poor use if it adds greatly to other big issues. You can also use communication to fight, or give others the “cold shoulder”.

Whether we realize it or not, “the silent treatment” is even communication. Isn’t it true when using that, you are really trying to communicate something very clear to the other person?

Alright, so we have recognized how to communicate poorly, not how do we do it right?

In class we discussed David Burns “5 secrets of Effective Communication” from his books “Feeling Good” and “Therapist’s Toolkit”. These simple yet efficient strategies and tools really can help us express ourselves and understand others. I strongly encourage you to read his books, but here is a sneak peek at his wisdom:

      1.  The disarming technique - help others not get defensive, find or focus on the kernel(s) of truth. (Pop the kernel of truth into popcorn/make it palatable. Don’t make light of the situation, but create a more comfortable atmosphere. Use this especially if the other person is being unreasonable.

2. Express Empathy- 

There are two kinds of empathy 

A: Thought Empathy = repeat back what they say

B: Feeling Empathy = express the feelings of their heart, but in your own words

3. Inquiry - As an act of generosity and humility. Let’s be honest, if someone wants to fight with you or is attacking you somehow usually the last thing you want to do is hear them out. Tell them you’d like to hear more and listen with love. Care to understand.

4. “I feel/I felt Statements - Deep statements, these are better than ones more natural like absolutes (“you always” or “you never”).

When _________(situation/event “_____ happened”) 

I felt/feel ________ (emotion “hurt/scared/misunderstood”

Because ________ (thoughts “this is what I’m thinking when this situation occurs”)

I would like _________ (hopes/desires “for us to try this in a future situation”).

5. Stroking - Now express genuine appreciation, and admiration for that person. Rub them the right way.

If someone is attacked and they feel the need to defend themselves they have proved their attackers right. If they lower their defenses they’ll be proving them wrong.

However we choose to communicate, however we act/demonstrate how we feel and whatever comes out of our mouths, let’s remember something: Love first, and listen first.