Parenting – change your child’s life for better or worse – you decide!

This week was my parents anniversary, so it’s kind of funny that this week we discussed parenting. We discussed specifically the purposes of parenting and who benefits from how we parent.

I, however, want to express how these same lessons, techniques and skills can work in other relationships.

I have a close friend, who I have known for many years, who I often feel a parent towards. I have started reflecting more and more on why, and began recognizing in my classes why she often felt like my child.  

My friend, I didn’t realize, was using me as a crutch. The other problem being that I didn’t realize I was falling into that role. I was turning into a pampering parent, where I almost did everything for her. Not good, for her or me. I first started realizing about three months into living with her. While we had been friends for years, it was a completely different experience living with her my first semester at college. It became hard on me emotionally, and mentally. She was starting to be abusive and manipulative, just in small ways, but I see red flags before most people. I moved out for the next semester, but still saw her frequently. Because I was no longer living there, she wanted to hang out and spend time together more often. I had to take more thought as to the things I was doing and became friends with someone who was starting to see what I saw. He gave me a different perspective and allowed me to see that I wasn’t imagining things. I HAD become a crutch and I was beginning to realize I was also becoming used to that role, and within a few months of being a friend I could now easily fall into that role. I needed to come out from under her without knocking her over, but I also needed to do it quickly. I slowly began this process by allowing her to be affected by natural consequences, and then logical ones, which we will discover today.

 - This is what really spoke to me from this week’s classes –

Popkins’ “Problem-Handling Model”.

When we have a problem/issue, the first thing we have to realize is there is both a perpetrator and an owner of the problem. These two, however, are not always the same person. Let me explain. Say your 8-year-old son doesn’t want to go to school and you try and wake him up and he refuses to do anything. Your 8-year-old son is the perpetrator, but who owns the problem? Ownership has a very different meaning than it used to, in the 1828 dictionary states it as “Property; exclusive right of possession; legal or just claim or title.” Too often we only think property and then move on. “Legal or just claim” would work well here though, as the parent has a legal right to educate their child and lays claim to certain consequences of disregarding those laws. Even past that they have a responsibility the own to that child. If the child doesn’t apply themselves or cheats their way through school that is on them and they own those consequences. An easy way to find out who owns the problem is filling in the blank in this sentence. This is a problem for _______. Also consider, who is being affected, and who cares.

In this model we talk about natural consequences, logical consequences and punishments/rewards.

Natural consequences just like it appears, could be anything from a kid touches the hot stovetop and burns his hand, to a child running in street who gets hit by a car. Mostly, besides in the case of being hit by the car, these are things our children can constructively learn from by experiencing. Now, this being the case, there are some times we should step in and protect our children from natural consequences. We talked about three specifically, 

1.      When it is too dangerous (if they are playing by the street, even though they have been told not to, we are there to tell them they have lost privileges when they don’t listen- instead of just letting them play and hoping they listen). 

2.      Too far in the future to make a good impact or any difference – if they don’t actually learn anything until it is too late (they go to jail, realize they should have gone to high school at 30, etc…)

3.      If it’s harmful to others – If its effects hurt others what are we really teaching our child(ren)?

Many of these things will teach our children best and prepare them for real world experiences. If we can’t help them recognize what they will face and prepare them for it, then we are not truly using our place as father or mother to its fullest potential. Our children will learn best by our examples, behaviors and how we parent.

Logical consequences are logically connected to natural consequences. They must:

-          Be discussed beforehand with child

-          Be the plan for when a polite request to behave/mind are disregarded

-          Are if/then or when/then statements

-          Always be followed through with the first time

-          Be firm and friendly when discussed

-          Be something you are willing to follow through on

-          Involve the child in the discussion

-          Not be final, give the child another chance.

Finally, the third option is punishments and rewards. This option is the worst, yielding immediate results perhaps, but nothing lasting is learned. This is when we bribe, manipulate or coerce or children to obedience and/or desired behavior.

Think about how this may be affecting your relationships even outside of family, I know we could all benefit from understanding what Popkins put so well. Check out more about him and his “Problem-Handling Model”! It may just change your life!