Is Stress Good for You?

Have you ever wondered why everyone is always stressed out? Why you’re stressed out? Are you ever stressed when there isn’t any stress in your life because you wonder when life is going to hit with something else? Here’s an even crazier thought... have you ever thought maybe all that stress you face daily is actually a good thing? Stress on you as individual or within relationships with others or even your family? Do you ever look back and actually see some good come out of it? 

Stress is a normal part of our lives, if you hadn’t noticed. It’s not only normal, like bacteria, fat, or chocolate, a certain kind, type or amount is healthy and actually good for you. Obviously, let’s keep in mind we need moderation in all things, and I’m not saying ALL stress levels or types are 100% healthy. In fact, even the kind that is healthy to one person, can be bad for someone else. Let me take a step back and explain that better. It’s healthy on a person-to-person basis. The amount it can help you and those around you is determined by how you and others perceive the stress. 

Let’s take a look at one example of this: 

Bridget’s mom woke her up like she usually does every morning for school. “Ugh” she grumbled beneath her comforter. Why didn’t her mom just get her an alarm clock like everyone else had. Something she could hit in the mornings to get her anger out, and she could program it for however many snoozes she wanted. (Bridget doesn’t seem very happy right now. She perceives life as being a drag and is thinking pretty negatively.) 

Then her mom says “Come on honey, didn’t you want to check out that sale at the mall?” Bridget immediately returns to reality. Oh wait, it’s Saturday! She thought to herself. How could I have forgotten! She sat up straight in her bed, and looked at the analog clock on her wall, was it really that late already? Thank goodness mom woke me up in time. (What changed? Why is Bridget’s outlook suddenly brighter?)

Bridget’s attitude of things small to big changes in this scenario based on her perception. She was negative when she saw her life as hard and against her, but when things went her way she saw things previously negative as positive. Naturally this type of scenario is very small in scope to most family stressors. Also, it should be pointed out that Bridget very well could have kept her negative attitude even after remembering it was Saturday and there was a sale at the mall. On the other side of things she could have reacted to all of it positively. The way we perceive life in general is very important too. 

Someone very wise once told me “never assume”. The more I learn about the things that cause strain, what actually begins the strain is perception of others (ex: your relationship with them) and the stress itself.

Perhaps, for example, you and your friend are upset with each other. However, upon communication you find that you assumed she was angry at you and she thought you disapproved of her new hairstyle and she couldn’t stand the thought of her friend was judging her. Assuming will never find the truth, and most of the time what we assume isn’t true. These lies are what make us fear - or stress about - stressors or strain on  family life and life in general. 

Of course, there are definitely cases of depression and anxiety out there. There are many who need to work through these problems, and we are blessed to constantly have more and methods and means to solve these day to day difficulties. I myself struggle with anxiety and Seasonal Affective Disorder or (SAD), a type of depression. 

Something our professor mentioned this week rang true with me, and hope even if you feel differently that you’ll at least see things in a new light. 

Fear, stress and anxiety is about how you perceive things. For example, if you’re like me and you don’t like confrontation. Yet, hidden behind that is the fear that you don’t have what it takes to stick up for yourself and/or you don’t want the friendship/relationship to end. Changing this fear, will take take changing your perspective. Maybe you are good at confrontation. Have you given yourself a chance? Likely if you’re afraid of it, you want peace and happiness for everyone involved. That sounds like a person capable of having a good talk and working through problems carefully and considerately(not a screaming match). If others can’t handle confrontation or talk civilly that isn’t on you. It doesn’t take away from any of your abilities to be calm and open. Now that perception has changed. You no longer view yourself as a failure before you even let yourself try. How confident do you feel now confronting someone? 

In the family stress or stressors (events that can bring strain to the family) can either make or break families. What happens as a result is up to the family. 

The death of a child can grow family ties and bonds, or each member can pull away and it can tear the family apart. 

How does the family perceive it? Is this the end, the last time they will see this child? Do they believe in an afterlife or reincarnation? How will this change their view? Death is death, but hope is hope! If the family believes they will see their child/sibling again, that gives them hope and a different perspective on death. It’s no longer “the end”, it’s an end, and also a beginning.

Will this event change the family for better or for worse? Everyone in the family may be experiencing slightly different pain or emotions, but the root cause is the same. They each are going through the same stressor, regardless of whether in the same fashion as the next person. Holding to each other in this hard time is most important. Especially the parents! If Mom and Dad are the example, and are hanging onto each other, the children will likely follow suit. 

Sex: Taboo or TMI

Why are we so afraid to talk about sexual intimacy with our children? If we don’t communicate with them about it, they will be confused. Especially when it was such a common theme in ALL our media.

It is understandable to be uncomfortable or intimidated by the thought of explaining and teaching children these concepts and instilling in them values. Many of our own parents struggled to educate us. I never even got “the talk.” Their parents spoke little to nothing of anything sexual, since it became taboo during that time. Can we really blame any of them? We can change this track record; we can help our children become educated and safe. We can start a trend of understanding and education, so our children can make decisions worthy of who they are.  We can help them put the sacred in sexual intimacy, and help them understand it’s nature as divine and a blessing that must be treated with respect.

How?

Our generation has been blessed with so many amazing resources, especially with the internet. In preparation for class we discovered some of these resources.

Two very helpful and useful sources were:

 The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy’s “Making a Love Connection” by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson.

And, the pamphlet “A Parent’s Guide”, by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Both of these resources pointed out that as parents we need to be the ones to educate our children, and that we need to change our mindsets and quit focusing on the negative alone. Too often (and maybe for that reason) we avoid teaching them how to successfully navigate relationships. In fact, the author’s of “Making a Love Connection” state the importance this plays in our children, and more specifically our teens. “Helping young people understand the very nature of relationships has been the missing ingredient in the nation’s efforts at delaying sexual activity, avoiding teen pregnancy, and helping prepare young people for successful marriages. Teens hear about biology and body parts, they are instructed on how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but rarely are they given guidance about how to successfully navigate the minefields of teen and young adult relationships. In short, young people are often told what to avoid, but hardly ever told how to achieve responsible and respectful relationships. As the authors suggest, we need to address what motivates teens and appeal to their aspirations rather than continue to simply try to help them manage risks.”

Our society really has grown lax in showing and teaching our children and adolescents what the appropriate “sequence of success” is when it comes to relationships, sexual intimacy, and marriage. In fact, much of the world’s beliefs when it comes to these three aren’t true, although logic would agree. Things like cohabitation before marriage (to test things out), young teens in serious relationships, and getting married well into your career and financial stability.

“. . . too many young people, and adults for that matter, are—as teens would say—clueless about this sequence of success and shouldn’t be.” What is this “sequence of success” they are referring to? “Graduate from high school (at least), don’t have a baby until you are married, and don’t marry during the teen years. By doing so, young people greatly reduce their chances of poverty and divorce.” Don’t we all want that for our children? Stronger future relationships and marriages for our kids will require us to begin educating them young. Although many of us are not yet parents, the time to prepare is now! The time to decide how we will raise, teach and educate our children is now. Here are some ideas from the pamphlet "A Parent's Guide":

-Talk more than about the facts of life, communicate values and convictions about sex, love, commitment, and marriage.

- Gather and utilize resources on how to express and talk about sex, love, emotions, commitment, relationships, and marriage.  

- Participate in/with schools, communities, religious groups, youth development programs, and other youth-serving institutions to include parents as partners in in sex and relationship education.

- Keep things simple. Use pamphlets, talking points, fact sheets, online assistance, sample scripts, and easy - to - use booklets.

References:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/title-page?lang=eng
http://advocatesforadolescentmothers.com/wp-content/uploads/love_connection.pdf

Do patterns really determine our relationships?

Have you ever met someone and just immediately clicked with them and they are now your best friend? Have you ever wondered why? Why did you hit it off so well? More importantly, why did things continue to go so well in your relationship?

For most of us it was likely in the first few weeks just the qualities of that person who we clicked with that made it such a great relationship. If your relationship continued to grow, stronger and stronger, then it was likely patterns that held your relationship together, patterns that helped you bond.

According to David A. Bednar, “A pattern is a plan, model, or standard that can be used as a guide for repetitively doing or making something.” In this case, a pattern is a model or standard we set for how we handle things within our relationships. The question is, are you making or breaking your relationships?

From the very beginning of our relationships, patterns are being created. Things like how will you handle conflict, and communicate are a HUGE part of our connections with others. Most are made and set within the very first year. This makes the patterns we make very important. Obviously, you can change and tweak these, but like all habits the quicker you quit the easier it is to stop.

How can we recognize patterns in our romantic relationships or in our marriages?

First thing that’s important is to be willing to see things you do wrong or that are hurting the other person and a willingness to change. Pay attention when you are in the moment, how do you react to conflict, communicate, show affection and love, how you interact with others (especially their family and friends), how you cope or handle stress, etc... Each of these is vital to your relationship and your situation, and they are something you have to work through as friends, couples, and family (siblings, parent-child). These patterns that I have mentioned, are just some of the main components of what is key in your relationships with anyone and everyone. Whether it is your relationship with your parents or your boss, obviously you want one founded on respect and trust. You wouldn’t want to scream and yell at them over a difference in opinion. In fact, if that was a pattern in your life, that wouldn’t be appropriate for any relationship. You would need to take a step back and take into consideration that it shouldn’t be among the patterns you set within any relationship.   

Second, understand that you can create a better relationship despite, any in your family or any other circles. You, and only you determine what kind of a friend, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend and spouse you will be.

Our past doesn’t have to determine our future. Maybe we had parents that were abusive either physically, emotionally or mentally, didn’t communicate well, didn’t share responsibilities well, or have a manipulative nature. We choose who we are and who we will be.

Last, but most certainly, not least is being willing to understand. My Mission President and his wife, used to always tell us “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Often enough, our perspective is skewed and not always in our favor. Sometimes we see only too clearly where someone else is lacking, but other times our own faults are far too easily seen by us that they overwhelm or overcome the good that is also within us.

The patterns you are building, forming and creating, are the foundation of your future. Honestly, there will be times of learning to change, adapt, or compromise. Decide today who you will be!

What is love?

Love. How can you define it? It isn't measured, because it cannot be.
If I could describe it in one sentence, as difficult as that is, I would say that love is like faith, it is a feeling that drives you to action. While showing that love varies from person to person, thoughtful action is required. I personally love Joey Palermo's idea of love:
"I believe in the kind of love that doesn't demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection, where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple. Something that allows me to be me without question." Joey Palermo

Perhaps the Greek's had it right though, according to them there were four types of love; Agape, eros, philia, storge. They understood just how vast and immeasurable love truly is, and had many words and definitions for it, because it is hard to define it only one way when there are so many forms of love. It makes sense to me, even in Spanish there are two words that mean love and refer as well to different types of love. I’ll give brief summaries for them:

Agape - Some would describe it as charity. According to Sir John Templeton in his book on this type of love, 

“... the highest kind of love gained expression in the term agape. Agape love is not directed toward a single person or small group of friends, but toward all humanity, even all of creation. Agape love is not based on how we are treated by others. Rather, it is unconditional and unlimited in its expression. It is this kind of love in which the religions of the world may find basis for unity. Agape love comes closest to describing the kind of love with which the Creator loves the creation. Agape love is pure love, unlimited in its possibilities. Agape love is altruistic love, love that is given for its own sake, without expecting anything in return.”

Eros - "refers to "passionate love" or romantic love. The term erotic is derived from eros. Eros has also been used in philosophy and psychology in a much wider sense, almost as an equivalent to "life energy." 

Philia - "often translated "brotherly love". . .  In Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, philia is usually translated as "friendship" or affection.[1] The complete opposite is called a phobia."

Storge - "or familial love refers to natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa. In social psychology, another term for love between good friends is philia."

In my own idea of love, I believe each of these pieces and parts of love are important in their own way. Each is significant and together, united, can create very strong and intimate bond. That's the kind of love I want to create with my husband one day.

If you would like to read more on these types of love check out C.S. Lewis' book called "The Four Loves", he explains them really well.

To all you singles out there, and to all of you parents and couples who have grown lax in your dating, let’s talk about it for a minute.

What happened to dating? For many of us we heard about dating from our grandparents but understood what they did more as courtship, a dying custom. Now, even dating is slowly becoming less and less common unless in a serious relationship. We have things like ‘hanging out” and “NCMO’s”(Non-Committal Make Out) where no commitment is required. In fact, we see this trend growing past dating and into marriages. People’s viewpoints on any type of commitment have changed, and more often than not there is cohabitation, more younger couples leaning towards divorce (even in those cases where things can be done to solve issues and problems.

What makes a good date? Today, my roommate, the one who goes out on dates almost every other day, came home from a date and told us she loved it. Now here is where it’s important that you pay close attention. When we asked her how it went, she said “it was a good date” and seemed to have had fun. When we asked why she liked it she gave us a quick synopsis of what happened. He had bought some acrylic paint for a project and he had never ended up using them. With this is mind he came up with the idea that they would go to a local thrift store and each choose a painting and then try and recreate it. All of us, both girls and guys who present, were amazed and shocked. It was so simple and yet creative and fun. Here was a young man utilizing his resources to have fun in non-traditional ways and being creative too! We were all impressed and determined to be better at planning and experimenting with new and different date ideas. Let’s be honest, nobody wants to do the same thing over and over again, no matter how much you love someone, a little change of scenery is good. Like I said, love is about action, you show it. It’s the reason thoughtful dates are the most romantic, the most fun, and the most memorable.

Works Cited:

Agape. (2019, May 14). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape

Philia. (2019, May 17). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia

Storge. (2019, May 17). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Storge

TEMPLETON, J. S. (2019). AGAPE LOVE: Tradition in eight world religions. S.l.: TEMPLETON PRESS.

Gender IS Important!

A few weeks ago, we discussed population and I mentioned the importance of siblings and the impact having kids has on the world. Drawing from that, today we will be talking about the significance of gender on the family. Why does having a sister matter and comparatively what is the importance of having a brother? What impact does having an aunt, uncle or living grandparents have on children and their parents? As I share what we learned, I'd like to add some of my own experiences and examples from my own family.

Gender is a very hot topic as of late, and has been for the last decade if not longer. I want to first express gratitude for both the men and women in my life, from the day I came into this world (we are almost at the next year mark for that) I have always had at least one of each in my life. I have been loved, cared for, and blessed by many who have influenced my life for good.

I did not grow up with a grandfather; on my father's side his dad passed away just three years prior to my birth, and on my mother's side, well, her dad wasn't a part of lives. I didn't think about it much, and we didn't talk about it as a family very often either. Deep down, perhaps my subconscious, I was very aware of this it seemed, and every opportunity I would talk to older people (especially watched how the men treated their wives) and then adopt them as grandparents, mostly grandfathers.

I think within each of us, we long for a family that is whole and complete. For some of us this longing comes in the lack of a grandparent, for others a sibling, and then for many out there a parent. This is because each member of our family plays a unique role in our lives, in that same way gender plays a unique role in our families as well.

I often hear people say that they fought with their mother growing up, but now they call her up every day and tell her about all their problems. In my own case this is a little different, but I understand that for much of our loves we aren't aware of the perspective of our parents and why they did the things they did during our growing up. Your parents likely played slightly different roles in your life, in my own family my mom disliked cooking and was a picky eater, my father loved to cook and would cook on the weekends and days off. I loved being in the kitchen with him and we made memories cooking together. When he left to work for year in another part of the country I would spend a lot of time on the kitchen making up recipes and reminiscing the fun we'd had. My mom was really good at number and took care of our taxes, and loved to garden. I could get her help on solving equations trying the vegetables when they in season. My mother's nurturing side came out in more than just the garden though, she home-schooled all three of us kids. Dad made life interesting as he tried teaching us sports and walked us to the park. Without my father working hard wherever he had to, and my mom working the money as thrifty as possible I don't know how our family could have made it. More importantly with my mom's loving care and my dad's quality time spent teaching us how to have fun we developed into successful individuals.

I also love having a brother and a sister, it's not only nice to have a playmate but a best friend! My sister and I were close until a few years after my brother was born. We did everything together, but i was literally her only option. So even if we fought, if we wanted a friend the next day we had to learn to forgive. She is very much a tom-boy though, and so I never really knew what it was like to have a sister until recently over the last few years she has begun to open up to me and talk. I think that is the best thing about having a sister. She listens and she knows a talk session is important. My brother is my best friend, and we have always been that way. If we looked any more alike people would ask if we were twins. Since we don't most people just assume we are a couple/newlyweds. That always gets a good laugh out of us and whoever else we are with. I honestly don't know what I would do without a guy friend i can talk about stuff I don't necessarily want to tell dad just yet, or when I want an opinion other than Dad's. He isn't always the greatest listener, but I know he loves me and cares. Without my brother in my life I think I would have gotten into a lot of bad relationships or gotten into relationships way too early for my own good.

For all the people in my life, I know they have been placed there to help and bless me in my life, and  to help me on my journey. My aunts have shown me how to make good decisions in a man to marry. My uncle's have proven that it's never too late to change and that you can get through hard things. My grandmother's have shown me that hard work and a love for God will always take you to good places in the end. They have all taught me that male or female God has a role for us to play here, and that neither role is more important, but that we stand equal in his eyes. What is most important, is that we work together, supporting each other in our roles and responsibilities. I have seen this in my parent's marriage and within other relationships in my family. i see it in myself and my brother, as I support him in all he is doing. We all need support in our lives and from both genders, some how someway it adds to our lives.

“Tradition!!”

Growing up, my family and I would watch “The Fiddler on the Roof” every Sunday, it was our tradition. For those of you not familiar with this musical, I’ll give you a quick run-down. This film is set in Pre-Revolutionary Russia, in a small town called Anatevka, and is about a family living in this small mostly Jewish community. Tevye, the main character gives a dialogue on tradition both within his religion as well as the way things work in their town, this includes the role of each person in the family. He also mentions a very important part about traditions though, in the very beginning. “Because of our traditions, we have kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything: how to how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer-shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradition.” Tevye is not wrong, many long lived traditions have been through so many generations that much of the real meaning, significance, and its origin are lost. I am of course not saying this is applicable only to religion, nor am I trying to say anything ill of Jewish culture or religion. I respect all cultures and religions, and I think that Jewish are lucky in that they have so much of their history and symbolism kept and preserved so well. What I am trying to say is that from a young age I have been exposed to the idea that tradition is something to think about and be more aware of, so as to recognize what traditions would benefit my own family.
I have been blessed to live in very culturally diverse areas of the U.S., most recently I spent a couple of years in Southern California. I have always been very open to learning about so many different places and cultures, and they have always fascinated me. Every culture has different aspects and traditions that are positive and others that negative toward individuals, families and communities.
I believe that in order to know which aspects of one’s culture to perpetuate through to future generations, involves be willing experiment a little. Your future family might be a little different than your nuclear family was, and so needs have an important role to play. Perhaps in your nuclear family the culture was very traditional, dad worked and mom stayed home with the children. In your little family, now that you have one of your own, is set up very different as your wife works and you can cook better meals anyways. While this may not be traditional of your culture you have not decided to keep that aspect for your own family. Another example might be that you grew up in a small town in France and your family was very poor. You could not afford a refrigerator and so growing up on the way home from school you would buy the milk, your sister would buy the meat and your father would buy the bread needed for your dinner that evening. Now, as a grown man, you and your wife decide you can afford a refrigerator but you continue the tradition of everyone helping to buy meals together because you thought it was a great way to teach your children and to feel united as a family.
Much of what we decide to keep or to discontinue in our own families is based on our own feelings about the culture. Was the tradition so strong that we overlooked even thinking it through? Did we love it so much that we wanted to share it with our children? Did we despise it? Whatever it might be ALL aspects of our culture are important to think through and decide if we want to continue those traditions or if we think we need to end them. We could make the difference our children need!

The Dynamics of the Family

We were all born into different and unique family situations. Some of us had single parents, others had both a mother and father, still others were raised by grandparents, aunts and uncles despite whether or not their parents were alive or deceased. No matter our childhood rearing or experience, good or bad, we were all affected by these circumstances.

As we took a look at our own families this week, we noticed different family theories and systems working in our families. As I explain some of these perhaps you will take note of those that apply to your own family.

First, there is the Exchange theory. This is often called the "you owe me one" theory, as it is described as an invisible scale where the costs and rewards of a relationship are weighed. Are you receiving in return what you are giving, or putting in to the relationship?
Married poeple in this theory have to think positively about their spouse in order to work through problems. It is likely that if you can more easily point out ten things wrong with your spouse or ten ways you think make you incompatible, you need to take caution and start looking for the good, as many couples with this perspective find themselves on the road to divorce. If, on the other hand, you can more easily find ten good things, or ten ways you are compatible, your relationship is likely strong and you are grateful for them. You believe that the rewards of your relationship are worth the battles and struggles that come your way. This theory works in all relationships, I just used couples as an example.

The second is Conflict theory, this is the power struggle. When one person in the relationship wants all or most of the authority, influence, force, or control. It is easy to see why this could be a problem, if not equally strong and equally in control only one person will get their way. One person ends up "winning" the struggle for power, but losing in the relationship, they end up tearing the other person down and hurting them. Perhaps you have heard Christ say that the most important, or greatest person should be "the least", I believe this is what he was referring to, this theory. If we are strong, and in control and have authority we don't need to be at the top because we already know who we are. In this same light, if we are beneath others, or willing to be humble, we are in a position to lift.

Lastly, the Symbolic interaction theory. This is where we assume things, never a good thing. Your friend, spouse, brother, father, says something and you think "well that means..", or "she must really be thinking..". Here are some problems with this thinking. First, whether verbal or non-verbal, all communication is symbolic, but it means different things to different people. Some of you have enough problems just understanding your friends in texts, but even face to face we can feel misunderstood, or misunderstand. Second, this theory expresses that we are all shaped by the world around us, our interactions with others (social), and our experiences (physical, emotional, or mental).

We truly all have been shaped by our families and interactions or experiences. We each had different roles to play in our nuclear families as well as into our extended families. We had rules that still don't make sense to us to this day, and then there are others for which we have grown in both gratitude and appreciation. We still decide, however, who we are today and who will become. How will we learn from the past to create a better today and better future? How will we take what good and bad we experienced and make a better home and family life for our future spouse and children? For those of you with families already, how will you make tomorrow better? Who will you be today? How will your children remember you?