The Dynamics of the Family

We were all born into different and unique family situations. Some of us had single parents, others had both a mother and father, still others were raised by grandparents, aunts and uncles despite whether or not their parents were alive or deceased. No matter our childhood rearing or experience, good or bad, we were all affected by these circumstances.

As we took a look at our own families this week, we noticed different family theories and systems working in our families. As I explain some of these perhaps you will take note of those that apply to your own family.

First, there is the Exchange theory. This is often called the "you owe me one" theory, as it is described as an invisible scale where the costs and rewards of a relationship are weighed. Are you receiving in return what you are giving, or putting in to the relationship?
Married poeple in this theory have to think positively about their spouse in order to work through problems. It is likely that if you can more easily point out ten things wrong with your spouse or ten ways you think make you incompatible, you need to take caution and start looking for the good, as many couples with this perspective find themselves on the road to divorce. If, on the other hand, you can more easily find ten good things, or ten ways you are compatible, your relationship is likely strong and you are grateful for them. You believe that the rewards of your relationship are worth the battles and struggles that come your way. This theory works in all relationships, I just used couples as an example.

The second is Conflict theory, this is the power struggle. When one person in the relationship wants all or most of the authority, influence, force, or control. It is easy to see why this could be a problem, if not equally strong and equally in control only one person will get their way. One person ends up "winning" the struggle for power, but losing in the relationship, they end up tearing the other person down and hurting them. Perhaps you have heard Christ say that the most important, or greatest person should be "the least", I believe this is what he was referring to, this theory. If we are strong, and in control and have authority we don't need to be at the top because we already know who we are. In this same light, if we are beneath others, or willing to be humble, we are in a position to lift.

Lastly, the Symbolic interaction theory. This is where we assume things, never a good thing. Your friend, spouse, brother, father, says something and you think "well that means..", or "she must really be thinking..". Here are some problems with this thinking. First, whether verbal or non-verbal, all communication is symbolic, but it means different things to different people. Some of you have enough problems just understanding your friends in texts, but even face to face we can feel misunderstood, or misunderstand. Second, this theory expresses that we are all shaped by the world around us, our interactions with others (social), and our experiences (physical, emotional, or mental).

We truly all have been shaped by our families and interactions or experiences. We each had different roles to play in our nuclear families as well as into our extended families. We had rules that still don't make sense to us to this day, and then there are others for which we have grown in both gratitude and appreciation. We still decide, however, who we are today and who will become. How will we learn from the past to create a better today and better future? How will we take what good and bad we experienced and make a better home and family life for our future spouse and children? For those of you with families already, how will you make tomorrow better? Who will you be today? How will your children remember you?