Do patterns really determine our relationships?

Have you ever met someone and just immediately clicked with them and they are now your best friend? Have you ever wondered why? Why did you hit it off so well? More importantly, why did things continue to go so well in your relationship?

For most of us it was likely in the first few weeks just the qualities of that person who we clicked with that made it such a great relationship. If your relationship continued to grow, stronger and stronger, then it was likely patterns that held your relationship together, patterns that helped you bond.

According to David A. Bednar, “A pattern is a plan, model, or standard that can be used as a guide for repetitively doing or making something.” In this case, a pattern is a model or standard we set for how we handle things within our relationships. The question is, are you making or breaking your relationships?

From the very beginning of our relationships, patterns are being created. Things like how will you handle conflict, and communicate are a HUGE part of our connections with others. Most are made and set within the very first year. This makes the patterns we make very important. Obviously, you can change and tweak these, but like all habits the quicker you quit the easier it is to stop.

How can we recognize patterns in our romantic relationships or in our marriages?

First thing that’s important is to be willing to see things you do wrong or that are hurting the other person and a willingness to change. Pay attention when you are in the moment, how do you react to conflict, communicate, show affection and love, how you interact with others (especially their family and friends), how you cope or handle stress, etc... Each of these is vital to your relationship and your situation, and they are something you have to work through as friends, couples, and family (siblings, parent-child). These patterns that I have mentioned, are just some of the main components of what is key in your relationships with anyone and everyone. Whether it is your relationship with your parents or your boss, obviously you want one founded on respect and trust. You wouldn’t want to scream and yell at them over a difference in opinion. In fact, if that was a pattern in your life, that wouldn’t be appropriate for any relationship. You would need to take a step back and take into consideration that it shouldn’t be among the patterns you set within any relationship.   

Second, understand that you can create a better relationship despite, any in your family or any other circles. You, and only you determine what kind of a friend, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend and spouse you will be.

Our past doesn’t have to determine our future. Maybe we had parents that were abusive either physically, emotionally or mentally, didn’t communicate well, didn’t share responsibilities well, or have a manipulative nature. We choose who we are and who we will be.

Last, but most certainly, not least is being willing to understand. My Mission President and his wife, used to always tell us “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Often enough, our perspective is skewed and not always in our favor. Sometimes we see only too clearly where someone else is lacking, but other times our own faults are far too easily seen by us that they overwhelm or overcome the good that is also within us.

The patterns you are building, forming and creating, are the foundation of your future. Honestly, there will be times of learning to change, adapt, or compromise. Decide today who you will be!