Communication IS Everything

A few weeks ago we talked about patterns. How important it is that we establish good habits in relationship early on. This perpetuates a healthier relationship later on, and makes life so much easier. One of the most important patterns to set or create in any relationship is communication. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before communication can make or break a relationship, be open with your friends/family/spouse/significant other, etc..

What you, perhaps, have not heard quite as much is just how much of communication is actually made up of the words themselves…

Tone 35%

Non-verbal 51%

Words 14%
Does any of this data surprise you? This is especially important to note when looking at a communication diagram.

The "source" begins with a thought or feeling they wish to express. The (source) person delivering the message encodes it, using what they know and understand about words, symbols and meanings to package it just right to portray the correct meaning. Then that message is sent through some type of media (face to face, text message, phone call, email). The message must then be decoded by the person receiving the communication. This decoding, once again, is dependent on that persons’ understanding of the world and their views on words, symbols and meanings. Then, after receiving it they understand it as a specific thought or feeling (whether or not it’s the same one the person who expressed it meant it as.How we express ourselves outwardly, has much to do with the way we present ourselves (body language, facial expressions, attention/lack of attention to whom we are speaking). What surprised me was the huge difference between tone and words. Then way we present our words is worth more (is given more acknowledgement) than the words themselves. Words are almost worthless by themselves. When someone you don’t know, and most certainly doesn’t know you, says something very endearing and maybe even personal you might feel creeped out. If the same sentence was spoken by your closest friend, family member or your significant other, however, it is the sweetest thing. Its is all about how it is presented, the context, and who says it.

Recently, I asked my friend what he has heard said about communication. His response was absolutely accurate, “poor communication is a symptom of a bigger problem”. He is on to something here. Poor communication is usually a big issue, but only because lack of communication or poor use if it adds greatly to other big issues. You can also use communication to fight, or give others the “cold shoulder”.

Whether we realize it or not, “the silent treatment” is even communication. Isn’t it true when using that, you are really trying to communicate something very clear to the other person?

Alright, so we have recognized how to communicate poorly, not how do we do it right?

In class we discussed David Burns “5 secrets of Effective Communication” from his books “Feeling Good” and “Therapist’s Toolkit”. These simple yet efficient strategies and tools really can help us express ourselves and understand others. I strongly encourage you to read his books, but here is a sneak peek at his wisdom:

      1.  The disarming technique - help others not get defensive, find or focus on the kernel(s) of truth. (Pop the kernel of truth into popcorn/make it palatable. Don’t make light of the situation, but create a more comfortable atmosphere. Use this especially if the other person is being unreasonable.

2. Express Empathy- 

There are two kinds of empathy 

A: Thought Empathy = repeat back what they say

B: Feeling Empathy = express the feelings of their heart, but in your own words

3. Inquiry - As an act of generosity and humility. Let’s be honest, if someone wants to fight with you or is attacking you somehow usually the last thing you want to do is hear them out. Tell them you’d like to hear more and listen with love. Care to understand.

4. “I feel/I felt Statements - Deep statements, these are better than ones more natural like absolutes (“you always” or “you never”).

When _________(situation/event “_____ happened”) 

I felt/feel ________ (emotion “hurt/scared/misunderstood”

Because ________ (thoughts “this is what I’m thinking when this situation occurs”)

I would like _________ (hopes/desires “for us to try this in a future situation”).

5. Stroking - Now express genuine appreciation, and admiration for that person. Rub them the right way.

If someone is attacked and they feel the need to defend themselves they have proved their attackers right. If they lower their defenses they’ll be proving them wrong.

However we choose to communicate, however we act/demonstrate how we feel and whatever comes out of our mouths, let’s remember something: Love first, and listen first.

Is Stress Good for You?

Have you ever wondered why everyone is always stressed out? Why you’re stressed out? Are you ever stressed when there isn’t any stress in your life because you wonder when life is going to hit with something else? Here’s an even crazier thought... have you ever thought maybe all that stress you face daily is actually a good thing? Stress on you as individual or within relationships with others or even your family? Do you ever look back and actually see some good come out of it? 

Stress is a normal part of our lives, if you hadn’t noticed. It’s not only normal, like bacteria, fat, or chocolate, a certain kind, type or amount is healthy and actually good for you. Obviously, let’s keep in mind we need moderation in all things, and I’m not saying ALL stress levels or types are 100% healthy. In fact, even the kind that is healthy to one person, can be bad for someone else. Let me take a step back and explain that better. It’s healthy on a person-to-person basis. The amount it can help you and those around you is determined by how you and others perceive the stress. 

Let’s take a look at one example of this: 

Bridget’s mom woke her up like she usually does every morning for school. “Ugh” she grumbled beneath her comforter. Why didn’t her mom just get her an alarm clock like everyone else had. Something she could hit in the mornings to get her anger out, and she could program it for however many snoozes she wanted. (Bridget doesn’t seem very happy right now. She perceives life as being a drag and is thinking pretty negatively.) 

Then her mom says “Come on honey, didn’t you want to check out that sale at the mall?” Bridget immediately returns to reality. Oh wait, it’s Saturday! She thought to herself. How could I have forgotten! She sat up straight in her bed, and looked at the analog clock on her wall, was it really that late already? Thank goodness mom woke me up in time. (What changed? Why is Bridget’s outlook suddenly brighter?)

Bridget’s attitude of things small to big changes in this scenario based on her perception. She was negative when she saw her life as hard and against her, but when things went her way she saw things previously negative as positive. Naturally this type of scenario is very small in scope to most family stressors. Also, it should be pointed out that Bridget very well could have kept her negative attitude even after remembering it was Saturday and there was a sale at the mall. On the other side of things she could have reacted to all of it positively. The way we perceive life in general is very important too. 

Someone very wise once told me “never assume”. The more I learn about the things that cause strain, what actually begins the strain is perception of others (ex: your relationship with them) and the stress itself.

Perhaps, for example, you and your friend are upset with each other. However, upon communication you find that you assumed she was angry at you and she thought you disapproved of her new hairstyle and she couldn’t stand the thought of her friend was judging her. Assuming will never find the truth, and most of the time what we assume isn’t true. These lies are what make us fear - or stress about - stressors or strain on  family life and life in general. 

Of course, there are definitely cases of depression and anxiety out there. There are many who need to work through these problems, and we are blessed to constantly have more and methods and means to solve these day to day difficulties. I myself struggle with anxiety and Seasonal Affective Disorder or (SAD), a type of depression. 

Something our professor mentioned this week rang true with me, and hope even if you feel differently that you’ll at least see things in a new light. 

Fear, stress and anxiety is about how you perceive things. For example, if you’re like me and you don’t like confrontation. Yet, hidden behind that is the fear that you don’t have what it takes to stick up for yourself and/or you don’t want the friendship/relationship to end. Changing this fear, will take take changing your perspective. Maybe you are good at confrontation. Have you given yourself a chance? Likely if you’re afraid of it, you want peace and happiness for everyone involved. That sounds like a person capable of having a good talk and working through problems carefully and considerately(not a screaming match). If others can’t handle confrontation or talk civilly that isn’t on you. It doesn’t take away from any of your abilities to be calm and open. Now that perception has changed. You no longer view yourself as a failure before you even let yourself try. How confident do you feel now confronting someone? 

In the family stress or stressors (events that can bring strain to the family) can either make or break families. What happens as a result is up to the family. 

The death of a child can grow family ties and bonds, or each member can pull away and it can tear the family apart. 

How does the family perceive it? Is this the end, the last time they will see this child? Do they believe in an afterlife or reincarnation? How will this change their view? Death is death, but hope is hope! If the family believes they will see their child/sibling again, that gives them hope and a different perspective on death. It’s no longer “the end”, it’s an end, and also a beginning.

Will this event change the family for better or for worse? Everyone in the family may be experiencing slightly different pain or emotions, but the root cause is the same. They each are going through the same stressor, regardless of whether in the same fashion as the next person. Holding to each other in this hard time is most important. Especially the parents! If Mom and Dad are the example, and are hanging onto each other, the children will likely follow suit. 

Sex: Taboo or TMI

Why are we so afraid to talk about sexual intimacy with our children? If we don’t communicate with them about it, they will be confused. Especially when it was such a common theme in ALL our media.

It is understandable to be uncomfortable or intimidated by the thought of explaining and teaching children these concepts and instilling in them values. Many of our own parents struggled to educate us. I never even got “the talk.” Their parents spoke little to nothing of anything sexual, since it became taboo during that time. Can we really blame any of them? We can change this track record; we can help our children become educated and safe. We can start a trend of understanding and education, so our children can make decisions worthy of who they are.  We can help them put the sacred in sexual intimacy, and help them understand it’s nature as divine and a blessing that must be treated with respect.

How?

Our generation has been blessed with so many amazing resources, especially with the internet. In preparation for class we discovered some of these resources.

Two very helpful and useful sources were:

 The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy’s “Making a Love Connection” by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson.

And, the pamphlet “A Parent’s Guide”, by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Both of these resources pointed out that as parents we need to be the ones to educate our children, and that we need to change our mindsets and quit focusing on the negative alone. Too often (and maybe for that reason) we avoid teaching them how to successfully navigate relationships. In fact, the author’s of “Making a Love Connection” state the importance this plays in our children, and more specifically our teens. “Helping young people understand the very nature of relationships has been the missing ingredient in the nation’s efforts at delaying sexual activity, avoiding teen pregnancy, and helping prepare young people for successful marriages. Teens hear about biology and body parts, they are instructed on how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but rarely are they given guidance about how to successfully navigate the minefields of teen and young adult relationships. In short, young people are often told what to avoid, but hardly ever told how to achieve responsible and respectful relationships. As the authors suggest, we need to address what motivates teens and appeal to their aspirations rather than continue to simply try to help them manage risks.”

Our society really has grown lax in showing and teaching our children and adolescents what the appropriate “sequence of success” is when it comes to relationships, sexual intimacy, and marriage. In fact, much of the world’s beliefs when it comes to these three aren’t true, although logic would agree. Things like cohabitation before marriage (to test things out), young teens in serious relationships, and getting married well into your career and financial stability.

“. . . too many young people, and adults for that matter, are—as teens would say—clueless about this sequence of success and shouldn’t be.” What is this “sequence of success” they are referring to? “Graduate from high school (at least), don’t have a baby until you are married, and don’t marry during the teen years. By doing so, young people greatly reduce their chances of poverty and divorce.” Don’t we all want that for our children? Stronger future relationships and marriages for our kids will require us to begin educating them young. Although many of us are not yet parents, the time to prepare is now! The time to decide how we will raise, teach and educate our children is now. Here are some ideas from the pamphlet "A Parent's Guide":

-Talk more than about the facts of life, communicate values and convictions about sex, love, commitment, and marriage.

- Gather and utilize resources on how to express and talk about sex, love, emotions, commitment, relationships, and marriage.  

- Participate in/with schools, communities, religious groups, youth development programs, and other youth-serving institutions to include parents as partners in in sex and relationship education.

- Keep things simple. Use pamphlets, talking points, fact sheets, online assistance, sample scripts, and easy - to - use booklets.

References:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/title-page?lang=eng
http://advocatesforadolescentmothers.com/wp-content/uploads/love_connection.pdf

Do patterns really determine our relationships?

Have you ever met someone and just immediately clicked with them and they are now your best friend? Have you ever wondered why? Why did you hit it off so well? More importantly, why did things continue to go so well in your relationship?

For most of us it was likely in the first few weeks just the qualities of that person who we clicked with that made it such a great relationship. If your relationship continued to grow, stronger and stronger, then it was likely patterns that held your relationship together, patterns that helped you bond.

According to David A. Bednar, “A pattern is a plan, model, or standard that can be used as a guide for repetitively doing or making something.” In this case, a pattern is a model or standard we set for how we handle things within our relationships. The question is, are you making or breaking your relationships?

From the very beginning of our relationships, patterns are being created. Things like how will you handle conflict, and communicate are a HUGE part of our connections with others. Most are made and set within the very first year. This makes the patterns we make very important. Obviously, you can change and tweak these, but like all habits the quicker you quit the easier it is to stop.

How can we recognize patterns in our romantic relationships or in our marriages?

First thing that’s important is to be willing to see things you do wrong or that are hurting the other person and a willingness to change. Pay attention when you are in the moment, how do you react to conflict, communicate, show affection and love, how you interact with others (especially their family and friends), how you cope or handle stress, etc... Each of these is vital to your relationship and your situation, and they are something you have to work through as friends, couples, and family (siblings, parent-child). These patterns that I have mentioned, are just some of the main components of what is key in your relationships with anyone and everyone. Whether it is your relationship with your parents or your boss, obviously you want one founded on respect and trust. You wouldn’t want to scream and yell at them over a difference in opinion. In fact, if that was a pattern in your life, that wouldn’t be appropriate for any relationship. You would need to take a step back and take into consideration that it shouldn’t be among the patterns you set within any relationship.   

Second, understand that you can create a better relationship despite, any in your family or any other circles. You, and only you determine what kind of a friend, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend and spouse you will be.

Our past doesn’t have to determine our future. Maybe we had parents that were abusive either physically, emotionally or mentally, didn’t communicate well, didn’t share responsibilities well, or have a manipulative nature. We choose who we are and who we will be.

Last, but most certainly, not least is being willing to understand. My Mission President and his wife, used to always tell us “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Often enough, our perspective is skewed and not always in our favor. Sometimes we see only too clearly where someone else is lacking, but other times our own faults are far too easily seen by us that they overwhelm or overcome the good that is also within us.

The patterns you are building, forming and creating, are the foundation of your future. Honestly, there will be times of learning to change, adapt, or compromise. Decide today who you will be!

What is love?

Love. How can you define it? It isn't measured, because it cannot be.
If I could describe it in one sentence, as difficult as that is, I would say that love is like faith, it is a feeling that drives you to action. While showing that love varies from person to person, thoughtful action is required. I personally love Joey Palermo's idea of love:
"I believe in the kind of love that doesn't demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection, where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple. Something that allows me to be me without question." Joey Palermo

Perhaps the Greek's had it right though, according to them there were four types of love; Agape, eros, philia, storge. They understood just how vast and immeasurable love truly is, and had many words and definitions for it, because it is hard to define it only one way when there are so many forms of love. It makes sense to me, even in Spanish there are two words that mean love and refer as well to different types of love. I’ll give brief summaries for them:

Agape - Some would describe it as charity. According to Sir John Templeton in his book on this type of love, 

“... the highest kind of love gained expression in the term agape. Agape love is not directed toward a single person or small group of friends, but toward all humanity, even all of creation. Agape love is not based on how we are treated by others. Rather, it is unconditional and unlimited in its expression. It is this kind of love in which the religions of the world may find basis for unity. Agape love comes closest to describing the kind of love with which the Creator loves the creation. Agape love is pure love, unlimited in its possibilities. Agape love is altruistic love, love that is given for its own sake, without expecting anything in return.”

Eros - "refers to "passionate love" or romantic love. The term erotic is derived from eros. Eros has also been used in philosophy and psychology in a much wider sense, almost as an equivalent to "life energy." 

Philia - "often translated "brotherly love". . .  In Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, philia is usually translated as "friendship" or affection.[1] The complete opposite is called a phobia."

Storge - "or familial love refers to natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa. In social psychology, another term for love between good friends is philia."

In my own idea of love, I believe each of these pieces and parts of love are important in their own way. Each is significant and together, united, can create very strong and intimate bond. That's the kind of love I want to create with my husband one day.

If you would like to read more on these types of love check out C.S. Lewis' book called "The Four Loves", he explains them really well.

To all you singles out there, and to all of you parents and couples who have grown lax in your dating, let’s talk about it for a minute.

What happened to dating? For many of us we heard about dating from our grandparents but understood what they did more as courtship, a dying custom. Now, even dating is slowly becoming less and less common unless in a serious relationship. We have things like ‘hanging out” and “NCMO’s”(Non-Committal Make Out) where no commitment is required. In fact, we see this trend growing past dating and into marriages. People’s viewpoints on any type of commitment have changed, and more often than not there is cohabitation, more younger couples leaning towards divorce (even in those cases where things can be done to solve issues and problems.

What makes a good date? Today, my roommate, the one who goes out on dates almost every other day, came home from a date and told us she loved it. Now here is where it’s important that you pay close attention. When we asked her how it went, she said “it was a good date” and seemed to have had fun. When we asked why she liked it she gave us a quick synopsis of what happened. He had bought some acrylic paint for a project and he had never ended up using them. With this is mind he came up with the idea that they would go to a local thrift store and each choose a painting and then try and recreate it. All of us, both girls and guys who present, were amazed and shocked. It was so simple and yet creative and fun. Here was a young man utilizing his resources to have fun in non-traditional ways and being creative too! We were all impressed and determined to be better at planning and experimenting with new and different date ideas. Let’s be honest, nobody wants to do the same thing over and over again, no matter how much you love someone, a little change of scenery is good. Like I said, love is about action, you show it. It’s the reason thoughtful dates are the most romantic, the most fun, and the most memorable.

Works Cited:

Agape. (2019, May 14). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape

Philia. (2019, May 17). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia

Storge. (2019, May 17). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Storge

TEMPLETON, J. S. (2019). AGAPE LOVE: Tradition in eight world religions. S.l.: TEMPLETON PRESS.