Divorce and Remarriage

Marriage and family likely will one day be your greatest achievements, and these can be your greatest sources of joy. It all depends on us choosing to find hope where many people see despair and doubts. 

Remarriage is often talked down, because it is difficult to blend families. However, it should be noted that it is possible and has been done well and successfully. 

We hear more often of stories of stories where remarriages don’t work, destroy families more, or hurt parent-child relationships because it’s often hard to transition back to two parents especially when one is a completely new person. It’s difficult if one parent for whatever reason feels hurt by their spouse they will choose to .. In this same way, parent to parent relationships can also suffer because of children struggle to adapt and can feel left out. 

Widowers have more successful remarriages, but no matter the circumstances melding families CAN be done. Two divorcees could get married with children from previous marriages and make things work and find happiness. 

The question is how? How do we avoid making the usual mistakes? What can we do now to prevent separation and divorce where possible?

About 70% of those who divorce wish they hadn’t within 2 years. Not just because it is a difficult lifestyle change, but bc they believe they could have made it work. On the other hand, 70% of those who are dissatisfied with their marriages but stick it out for five years and are together through the hard stuff and don’t get divorced, after the five years feel satisfied or highly satisfied with their marriages. It proves true that working through issues and being there for each other in the hard times works! Not only for friendships and family bonds, but in your marriage. 

Step-parents also have negative connotations due to movies and fairy tales. Just because the stories of our youth we have been taught something, doesn’t mean it is true. Anyone can be a great step-parent, but let’s look at where people go wrong and some ideas of what qualities a step-parent will need.

The biggest issue step-parents are confronted with are how to discipline or handle children that aren’t actually theirs. This can lead to a lot of problems that end badly for both parents and children and can end in another divorce. So how do you discipline your spouses child? Simple, you don’t. 

In a sense you become their fantastic aunt or uncle. As this person in their life here are some good qualities to have:

• Joyful
• A great listener (who knows when to talk to their spouse about what is goin on in their child’s life)
• Gives great and loving counsel/advice
• Expresses love 
• Would take child(ten) as their own/live them and want to keep them. 
• Accepting, kind and warm
• Engaged in child’s life and supportive
• Takes care of them when parents can’t 

Think about your own aunt or uncle (whether blood relation or figure). What qualities did they have?

Recognizing that they aren’t your child, but that you can still be and example and have a good impact on them. 

Whatever your current situation may be, and what our culture is, you can still make things work. You can change the norms and change the culture! 

Family Advocacy Project - Will you stand for the Family?

Does your family mean the world to you? I know mine does! Do you aspire to rear your children well, and be a phenomenal parent? Or pass on your greater knowledge and wisdom to your grandchildren? 

Family is so important to us for so many reasons. I have recently changed my major from Psychology to Marriage and Family Studies. This came as I began taking classes on the family and came to a greater understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve learned of their importance on a psychological level. We each wanted to be loved and to belong, we wanted to be a part of something. Our families gave us that. Beyond that, God also thinks families are important. In fact, He started the first family, and created the parents that began it all here on Earth, Adam and Eve.

However, you look at it, the family is such a wonderful part of every culture and society. The family is what brings us together and unites us, not only within ours but in the world. We may be different races and countries, have different backgrounds, values, beliefs and religions. Despite all the differences you could ever think of, we all have families; whether those we were reared in, those who chose us, or those in our lives we chose to call family. The basic unit of any society remains the same for all. Yet the world is attacking this precious element of life that can bring so much joy. Why?

Why does the world tear down the titles of father and mother and slander their roles as parents? Could you imagine not having a parent or either parents? Maybe for some of you this was a reality. Or perhaps for some of you, your parents were not tender, loving, or caring. I know friends who have been abused in their families, who have lived in homes of abuse, neglect or hardship. To you and to all let me say that YOU can change that! We can change the typical, the trends, and the norms of today. Those that tell us it isn’t worth it to put up a fight are wrong. It is something only WE can do.

Do we not owe it to the next generation to be better parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and to fight for their future? Do it for the children, do it for those who suffered yesterday, for those who suffer today, and for those who don’t have to suffer tomorrow. Do it for the abused, and the neglected, the unloved, the uncared for, the forgotten. God has not forgotten, and He has not let these acts go unnoticed.

Over 20 years ago, almost 25 in fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints issued to all a statement on the family, titled “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”. This I know is God’s word to us today about the family, and it speaks His truth:

"WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society." (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 129.)

God will remember His children in their suffering, and he will remember those who have hurt, neglected or forgotten their children and families. It is our responsibility to recognize that we too will stand before God. What will we say? Will be able to say that we defended our faiths, families, values, and His children?

I never could have imagined just what has happened to the family today. Disintegration is probably the perfect word. According to Merriam – Webster’s dictionary it is “the breaking down of something into small particles or into its constituent elements and loss of unity [or] integrity by or as if by breaking into parts.” Either way we are taking apart the family. We do it by saying that it demeans a woman that her title is only mother. Mother was once a title of honor, and respect. We do it when we say that children are a burden. Were we not children once? We do it when we say we do not need a father, or a husband. Do we not need God? He is our Father, it a title He chooses to be called, out of every name He could ask us to call Him. Does that not speak volumes to parenthood?

Reading these two paragraphs I always wondered, what was meant by “the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” What were they specifically? This semester in one of my classes we discussed them, and I wanted to share some of what I found:

2^nd Timothy 3:1-5 (KJV)

“1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”

Moses 7:65-66

“65 And it came to pass that Enoch saw the day of the coming of the Son of Man, in the last days, to dwell on the earth in righteousness for the space of a thousand years;

66 But before that day he saw great tribulations among the wicked; and he also saw the sea, that it was troubled, and men’s hearts failing them, looking forth with fear for the judgments of the Almighty God, which should come upon the wicked.”

D&C 45:26-27, 31-33

“26 And in that day shall be heard of wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them, and they shall say that Christ delayeth his coming until the end of the earth.

27 And the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound.

31 And there shall be men standing in that generation, that shall not pass until they shall see an overflowing scourge; for a desolating sickness shall cover the land.

32 But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved; but among the wicked, men shall lift up their voices and curse God and die.

33 And there shall be earthquakes also in divers places, and many desolations; yet men will harden their hearts against me, and they will take up the sword, one against another, and they will kill one another.”

D&C 97:22-28

“22 For behold, and lo, vengeance cometh speedily upon the ungodly as the whirlwind; and who shall escape it?

23 The Lord’s scourge shall pass over by night and by day, and the report thereof shall vex all people; yea, it shall not be stayed until the Lord come;

24 For the indignation of the Lord is kindled against their abominations and all their wicked works.

25 Nevertheless, Zion shall escape if she observe to do all things whatsoever I have commanded her.

26 But if she observe not to do whatsoever I have commanded her, I will visit her according to all her works, with sore affliction, with pestilence, with plague, with sword, with vengeance, with devouring fire.

27 Nevertheless, let it be read this once to her ears, that I, the Lord, have accepted of her offering; and if she sin no more none of these things shall come upon her;

28 And I will bless her with blessings, and multiply a multiplicity of blessings upon her, and upon her generations forever and ever, saith the Lord your God. Amen.”

These are just a few. This last one shows God’s love and mercy towards his children. However, knowing these calamities, the question now becomes: What can WE do NOW to fight these evils?

These quotes are from different speeches given addressing these “calamities” and this question as to what actions we can take now:

"One such prophet was Malachi, who admonished parents to turn their hearts to their children and children to their parents, lest the whole earth be cursed (see Mal. 4:6).

To these warnings, ancient as the Old Testament and current as the proclamation on the family, I add my own voice of warning, specifically concerning today’s media and the powerful negative effect it can have on families and on family life." - Elder M. Russel Ballard (Oct. 2003 "Let our Voices be Heard").

 “This generation will be called upon to defend the doctrine of the family as never before in the history of the world. If they don’t know it, they can’t defend it.” (Julie B. Beck – March 2011 Ensign)

“In addition, we need to greatly increase religious observance in the home. Weekly family home evening and daily family prayer and scripture study are essential. We need to introduce into our homes content that is ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.’ If we make of our homes holy places that shelter us from evil, we will be protected from the adverse consequences that the scriptures have foretold.” - Elder Cook (“Let There Be Light” Nov. 2010 Ensign https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/let-there-be-light?lang=eng)

In summary, we need to recognize the effects of media, and other every day life normal tendencies, have on our families. It may be Summer, but maybe it’s time to do some Spring Cleaning as far as letting go of bad habits, clearing the clutter of activities that don’t strengthen or help our families. Or even by increasing the good you do as a family, and spending more time together. We need to be better educated. What is the family? How is it being attacked? How can I help? We need to make our homes a safe place for ourselves, our spouses, our children, and for all who enter.

Will you take initiative and will you uphold the family as the fundamental unit of society? I would love to hear from you, whether you’d like to comment below as to what you will do or if you’d like to private message me. Let’s take action together!  

Parenting – change your child’s life for better or worse – you decide!

This week was my parents anniversary, so it’s kind of funny that this week we discussed parenting. We discussed specifically the purposes of parenting and who benefits from how we parent.

I, however, want to express how these same lessons, techniques and skills can work in other relationships.

I have a close friend, who I have known for many years, who I often feel a parent towards. I have started reflecting more and more on why, and began recognizing in my classes why she often felt like my child.  

My friend, I didn’t realize, was using me as a crutch. The other problem being that I didn’t realize I was falling into that role. I was turning into a pampering parent, where I almost did everything for her. Not good, for her or me. I first started realizing about three months into living with her. While we had been friends for years, it was a completely different experience living with her my first semester at college. It became hard on me emotionally, and mentally. She was starting to be abusive and manipulative, just in small ways, but I see red flags before most people. I moved out for the next semester, but still saw her frequently. Because I was no longer living there, she wanted to hang out and spend time together more often. I had to take more thought as to the things I was doing and became friends with someone who was starting to see what I saw. He gave me a different perspective and allowed me to see that I wasn’t imagining things. I HAD become a crutch and I was beginning to realize I was also becoming used to that role, and within a few months of being a friend I could now easily fall into that role. I needed to come out from under her without knocking her over, but I also needed to do it quickly. I slowly began this process by allowing her to be affected by natural consequences, and then logical ones, which we will discover today.

 - This is what really spoke to me from this week’s classes –

Popkins’ “Problem-Handling Model”.

When we have a problem/issue, the first thing we have to realize is there is both a perpetrator and an owner of the problem. These two, however, are not always the same person. Let me explain. Say your 8-year-old son doesn’t want to go to school and you try and wake him up and he refuses to do anything. Your 8-year-old son is the perpetrator, but who owns the problem? Ownership has a very different meaning than it used to, in the 1828 dictionary states it as “Property; exclusive right of possession; legal or just claim or title.” Too often we only think property and then move on. “Legal or just claim” would work well here though, as the parent has a legal right to educate their child and lays claim to certain consequences of disregarding those laws. Even past that they have a responsibility the own to that child. If the child doesn’t apply themselves or cheats their way through school that is on them and they own those consequences. An easy way to find out who owns the problem is filling in the blank in this sentence. This is a problem for _______. Also consider, who is being affected, and who cares.

In this model we talk about natural consequences, logical consequences and punishments/rewards.

Natural consequences just like it appears, could be anything from a kid touches the hot stovetop and burns his hand, to a child running in street who gets hit by a car. Mostly, besides in the case of being hit by the car, these are things our children can constructively learn from by experiencing. Now, this being the case, there are some times we should step in and protect our children from natural consequences. We talked about three specifically, 

1.      When it is too dangerous (if they are playing by the street, even though they have been told not to, we are there to tell them they have lost privileges when they don’t listen- instead of just letting them play and hoping they listen). 

2.      Too far in the future to make a good impact or any difference – if they don’t actually learn anything until it is too late (they go to jail, realize they should have gone to high school at 30, etc…)

3.      If it’s harmful to others – If its effects hurt others what are we really teaching our child(ren)?

Many of these things will teach our children best and prepare them for real world experiences. If we can’t help them recognize what they will face and prepare them for it, then we are not truly using our place as father or mother to its fullest potential. Our children will learn best by our examples, behaviors and how we parent.

Logical consequences are logically connected to natural consequences. They must:

-          Be discussed beforehand with child

-          Be the plan for when a polite request to behave/mind are disregarded

-          Are if/then or when/then statements

-          Always be followed through with the first time

-          Be firm and friendly when discussed

-          Be something you are willing to follow through on

-          Involve the child in the discussion

-          Not be final, give the child another chance.

Finally, the third option is punishments and rewards. This option is the worst, yielding immediate results perhaps, but nothing lasting is learned. This is when we bribe, manipulate or coerce or children to obedience and/or desired behavior.

Think about how this may be affecting your relationships even outside of family, I know we could all benefit from understanding what Popkins put so well. Check out more about him and his “Problem-Handling Model”! It may just change your life!

Are Fathers Optional?

More and more often we are seeing a rise in single mothers and fatherless children. This has been a trend for as long as our history books have record, and we seem to be doing alright. Is there a difference? Does having a father as part of the family and as a parent figure change anything drastically?
Personally, I grew up with a father and I had some close friends who did not. Looking back I always recognized there was something different, but never pinpointed it as me having a dad. One of my best friends growing up was an only child and had no father, well, he wasn’t really a part of her life anyway. We grew up very differently because of that and there is definitely a difference in choices made growing up. We both had similar religious beliefs and backgrounds (we went to church together), and yet we led very different lives right around when I moved and we entered high school. Her relationships with boys were very different from my own, and I think it was largely related to having a father (and maybe also because I have a brother too).
Enough about me though, let’s see what the scholars have to say. I found a few studies that show some interesting results as far as the role and importance of Father’s.
Let's look at the numbers:
"The 2003 Parent and Family Involvement in Education Survey of the National Household Education Surveys Program ( n = 12,426) shows that 
28% percent of White students, 
39% of Hispanic students, 
69% of Black students, and 
36% overall live without their fathers. 
In bivariate comparisons, absent-father status is associated with reduced well-being: worse health, lower academic achievement, worse educational experiences, and less parental involvement in school activities. When socio-economic factors are controlled, father-absence is associated with small deficits of well-being."(DeBell, 2008)
Those are some significant statistics, that is a lot of our youth, and that was in 2003. We can only imagine how this really affects the youth. 
Regardless of where you are from, being fatherless, or having absent fathers, is a bigger part of problems within the community than you might think. It affect our children, who affect each other and then more then just the single mother homes and families suffer. In this case study done in a rural community in South Africa has the same results we see anywhere else:
"Children with absent fathers' experience emotional challenges as they often envy the benefits that the fathers give to their children and that cause emotional glitches to the children. Also, the absence of the father leaves a gap in meeting the basic needs of the children as their single mothers' struggle to put food on the table on their own and at times as they are having no one to help them, they are not able to meet all the family needs. The phenomenon of absent-fathers still remains a challenging issue in many communities. Children deserted by their fathers irrespective of the reasons advanced have a void in the lives regarding the father-figure with its concomitant benefits and responsibilities." (Koketso, 2019)
Futhermore, many children experience differences because of gender. Young boys, or sons, without a father:
"Findings revealed memories of loss and missed opportunities, poverty and disadvantage. Men recollected their mothers attempting to balance their physical and financial security with their emotional needs. Findings from this study suggest that men who experience father absence from an early age can experience an ongoing sense of loss and disadvantage that may be carried throughout life. We recommend this population of men be provided with opportunities to disclose feelings about their experiences as father-absent boys when coming into contact with health and social services" (East, 2017)
Whereas, young women, or daughters, with an absent father(all I could find was a study on emotionally absent fathers) :
"The participants experienced difficulty in sharing emotions with their fathers and fathers did not show affection or express their love. The participants perceived their fathers to have shown no interest, approval or acknowledgement of them, and viewed them as untrustworthy. They also believed that relationship qualities with their fathers influenced how they related to men in general. Father emotional absence negatively impacts on daughter's emotional well-being."(Peyper, 2015)

Even if this research doesn’t change your mind about fathers, I hope you are at least open to learning more. There is so much more information out there, and you should be aware of it at least. I have seen the difference a good father can have in a home and I’ve seen even not so great parents (mother and father alike) that have some sort of good impact on their children. Either parent is so important to the equation, one of the Beatles said they couldn’t imagine not having a mother, life without a father is equally missing something. Life is complete with them both!
My father is someone I look up to and I’m very close to, it’s because of him that I’ve recognized what I want in my future husband (and what I don’t). I’m closer to him than my own mother, and I think that surprises people. I could not imagine life without my dad.

References

East, L., Hutchinson, M., Power, T., & Jackson, D. (2017). Men’s Constructions of Mothering:             Growing Up in Father-Absent Families. International Journal of Men’s                                      Health, 16(1),37–48. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.3149/jmh.1601.37

DeBell, M. (2008). Children Living Without Their Fathers: Population Estimates and 

          Indicators of Educational Well-being. Social Indicators Research, 87(3), 427–443.     

          https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s11205-007-9149-8

Koketso, M. F., Calvin, M. J., Lehlokwe, S. I., & Mafa, P. (2019). Perspectives of Single                       Mothers on the Socio-Emotional and Economic Influence of “Absent Fathers” in                       Child’s Life: A Case Study of Rural Community in South Africa. E-BANGI                                   Journal, 16(4), 1–12.     Retrieved from                                                                                               http://search.ebscohost.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/login.aspx?                                                             direct=true&db=aph&AN=137064111&site=ehost-live

Peyper, E., de Klerk, W., & Spies, R. (2015). Experiences of young adult women with emotionally absent fathers. Journal of Psychology in Africa, 25(2), 127–133. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/14330237.2015.1021513