Gender IS Important!

A few weeks ago, we discussed population and I mentioned the importance of siblings and the impact having kids has on the world. Drawing from that, today we will be talking about the significance of gender on the family. Why does having a sister matter and comparatively what is the importance of having a brother? What impact does having an aunt, uncle or living grandparents have on children and their parents? As I share what we learned, I'd like to add some of my own experiences and examples from my own family.

Gender is a very hot topic as of late, and has been for the last decade if not longer. I want to first express gratitude for both the men and women in my life, from the day I came into this world (we are almost at the next year mark for that) I have always had at least one of each in my life. I have been loved, cared for, and blessed by many who have influenced my life for good.

I did not grow up with a grandfather; on my father's side his dad passed away just three years prior to my birth, and on my mother's side, well, her dad wasn't a part of lives. I didn't think about it much, and we didn't talk about it as a family very often either. Deep down, perhaps my subconscious, I was very aware of this it seemed, and every opportunity I would talk to older people (especially watched how the men treated their wives) and then adopt them as grandparents, mostly grandfathers.

I think within each of us, we long for a family that is whole and complete. For some of us this longing comes in the lack of a grandparent, for others a sibling, and then for many out there a parent. This is because each member of our family plays a unique role in our lives, in that same way gender plays a unique role in our families as well.

I often hear people say that they fought with their mother growing up, but now they call her up every day and tell her about all their problems. In my own case this is a little different, but I understand that for much of our loves we aren't aware of the perspective of our parents and why they did the things they did during our growing up. Your parents likely played slightly different roles in your life, in my own family my mom disliked cooking and was a picky eater, my father loved to cook and would cook on the weekends and days off. I loved being in the kitchen with him and we made memories cooking together. When he left to work for year in another part of the country I would spend a lot of time on the kitchen making up recipes and reminiscing the fun we'd had. My mom was really good at number and took care of our taxes, and loved to garden. I could get her help on solving equations trying the vegetables when they in season. My mother's nurturing side came out in more than just the garden though, she home-schooled all three of us kids. Dad made life interesting as he tried teaching us sports and walked us to the park. Without my father working hard wherever he had to, and my mom working the money as thrifty as possible I don't know how our family could have made it. More importantly with my mom's loving care and my dad's quality time spent teaching us how to have fun we developed into successful individuals.

I also love having a brother and a sister, it's not only nice to have a playmate but a best friend! My sister and I were close until a few years after my brother was born. We did everything together, but i was literally her only option. So even if we fought, if we wanted a friend the next day we had to learn to forgive. She is very much a tom-boy though, and so I never really knew what it was like to have a sister until recently over the last few years she has begun to open up to me and talk. I think that is the best thing about having a sister. She listens and she knows a talk session is important. My brother is my best friend, and we have always been that way. If we looked any more alike people would ask if we were twins. Since we don't most people just assume we are a couple/newlyweds. That always gets a good laugh out of us and whoever else we are with. I honestly don't know what I would do without a guy friend i can talk about stuff I don't necessarily want to tell dad just yet, or when I want an opinion other than Dad's. He isn't always the greatest listener, but I know he loves me and cares. Without my brother in my life I think I would have gotten into a lot of bad relationships or gotten into relationships way too early for my own good.

For all the people in my life, I know they have been placed there to help and bless me in my life, and  to help me on my journey. My aunts have shown me how to make good decisions in a man to marry. My uncle's have proven that it's never too late to change and that you can get through hard things. My grandmother's have shown me that hard work and a love for God will always take you to good places in the end. They have all taught me that male or female God has a role for us to play here, and that neither role is more important, but that we stand equal in his eyes. What is most important, is that we work together, supporting each other in our roles and responsibilities. I have seen this in my parent's marriage and within other relationships in my family. i see it in myself and my brother, as I support him in all he is doing. We all need support in our lives and from both genders, some how someway it adds to our lives.

“Tradition!!”

Growing up, my family and I would watch “The Fiddler on the Roof” every Sunday, it was our tradition. For those of you not familiar with this musical, I’ll give you a quick run-down. This film is set in Pre-Revolutionary Russia, in a small town called Anatevka, and is about a family living in this small mostly Jewish community. Tevye, the main character gives a dialogue on tradition both within his religion as well as the way things work in their town, this includes the role of each person in the family. He also mentions a very important part about traditions though, in the very beginning. “Because of our traditions, we have kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything: how to how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer-shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradition.” Tevye is not wrong, many long lived traditions have been through so many generations that much of the real meaning, significance, and its origin are lost. I am of course not saying this is applicable only to religion, nor am I trying to say anything ill of Jewish culture or religion. I respect all cultures and religions, and I think that Jewish are lucky in that they have so much of their history and symbolism kept and preserved so well. What I am trying to say is that from a young age I have been exposed to the idea that tradition is something to think about and be more aware of, so as to recognize what traditions would benefit my own family.
I have been blessed to live in very culturally diverse areas of the U.S., most recently I spent a couple of years in Southern California. I have always been very open to learning about so many different places and cultures, and they have always fascinated me. Every culture has different aspects and traditions that are positive and others that negative toward individuals, families and communities.
I believe that in order to know which aspects of one’s culture to perpetuate through to future generations, involves be willing experiment a little. Your future family might be a little different than your nuclear family was, and so needs have an important role to play. Perhaps in your nuclear family the culture was very traditional, dad worked and mom stayed home with the children. In your little family, now that you have one of your own, is set up very different as your wife works and you can cook better meals anyways. While this may not be traditional of your culture you have not decided to keep that aspect for your own family. Another example might be that you grew up in a small town in France and your family was very poor. You could not afford a refrigerator and so growing up on the way home from school you would buy the milk, your sister would buy the meat and your father would buy the bread needed for your dinner that evening. Now, as a grown man, you and your wife decide you can afford a refrigerator but you continue the tradition of everyone helping to buy meals together because you thought it was a great way to teach your children and to feel united as a family.
Much of what we decide to keep or to discontinue in our own families is based on our own feelings about the culture. Was the tradition so strong that we overlooked even thinking it through? Did we love it so much that we wanted to share it with our children? Did we despise it? Whatever it might be ALL aspects of our culture are important to think through and decide if we want to continue those traditions or if we think we need to end them. We could make the difference our children need!

The Dynamics of the Family

We were all born into different and unique family situations. Some of us had single parents, others had both a mother and father, still others were raised by grandparents, aunts and uncles despite whether or not their parents were alive or deceased. No matter our childhood rearing or experience, good or bad, we were all affected by these circumstances.

As we took a look at our own families this week, we noticed different family theories and systems working in our families. As I explain some of these perhaps you will take note of those that apply to your own family.

First, there is the Exchange theory. This is often called the "you owe me one" theory, as it is described as an invisible scale where the costs and rewards of a relationship are weighed. Are you receiving in return what you are giving, or putting in to the relationship?
Married poeple in this theory have to think positively about their spouse in order to work through problems. It is likely that if you can more easily point out ten things wrong with your spouse or ten ways you think make you incompatible, you need to take caution and start looking for the good, as many couples with this perspective find themselves on the road to divorce. If, on the other hand, you can more easily find ten good things, or ten ways you are compatible, your relationship is likely strong and you are grateful for them. You believe that the rewards of your relationship are worth the battles and struggles that come your way. This theory works in all relationships, I just used couples as an example.

The second is Conflict theory, this is the power struggle. When one person in the relationship wants all or most of the authority, influence, force, or control. It is easy to see why this could be a problem, if not equally strong and equally in control only one person will get their way. One person ends up "winning" the struggle for power, but losing in the relationship, they end up tearing the other person down and hurting them. Perhaps you have heard Christ say that the most important, or greatest person should be "the least", I believe this is what he was referring to, this theory. If we are strong, and in control and have authority we don't need to be at the top because we already know who we are. In this same light, if we are beneath others, or willing to be humble, we are in a position to lift.

Lastly, the Symbolic interaction theory. This is where we assume things, never a good thing. Your friend, spouse, brother, father, says something and you think "well that means..", or "she must really be thinking..". Here are some problems with this thinking. First, whether verbal or non-verbal, all communication is symbolic, but it means different things to different people. Some of you have enough problems just understanding your friends in texts, but even face to face we can feel misunderstood, or misunderstand. Second, this theory expresses that we are all shaped by the world around us, our interactions with others (social), and our experiences (physical, emotional, or mental).

We truly all have been shaped by our families and interactions or experiences. We each had different roles to play in our nuclear families as well as into our extended families. We had rules that still don't make sense to us to this day, and then there are others for which we have grown in both gratitude and appreciation. We still decide, however, who we are today and who will become. How will we learn from the past to create a better today and better future? How will we take what good and bad we experienced and make a better home and family life for our future spouse and children? For those of you with families already, how will you make tomorrow better? Who will you be today? How will your children remember you?

Three things we will discuss:

• First, let's discover what we didn't realize about the population, birth rate and fertility rate, both in and outside the United States.

• Second, we will look at the relationship having children has on you and the whole world.

• Third, this is my favorite thing we learned, we'll talk about the importance of siblings.

What is population? This is the easy one to answer, it is quite literally just the amount of people in an area, you might see a sign in your city that says "POP. 14,000".

What about birth rate? This is the number of births per 1,000 people already within the population. If you have 7 births and your city's population is 7,000, than your birth rate would be 1.0, you have 1 live birth per 1,000 people.

Then we have fertility rate, is the average number of children born in the lifetime of a woman.

Now, that you understand these, we can talk about what happens when these numbers decrease. Over the past few decades people have been talking about over-population, the idea that we would overrun earth and her natural resources. That we would never end world hunger, but that everything would increasingly be at risk, and survival would grow increasingly difficult. We can largely attribute this fear to the baby boom, what many don't realize is that this "boom", was not actually that significant. Fertility rates were only at 3.8, now in order to keep things going (with jobs, careers, economy, etc..), we need to have a fertility rate of 2.13. So it's a little high, but not much. Certainly not enough that it should scare us, but a book was written on this topic of overpopulation and young couples getting ready to start their families started using it as a textbook for their lives. Suddenly we started worrying about how many children we were having and one or two was a popular idea of a family. Slowly, this becomes a problem, more so now than ever especially since there are many who do not have children, whether by choice or are unable to have children.

This is troubling to the economy and thus affects even those not involved with a particular family. Some of these reasons are obvious, but let's take a look at some you may not have considered. It affects the capital, which is the capacity that the child acquires to be competent out in the marketplace. Their lifetime learning for their benefit, and the benefit of the economy. Capital is also used to describe basic human resources. Productivity! Its hard to sustain life and people when we have fewer workers, an increase of workers would add greatly to the GDP (Gross Domestic Product, this affects capital. It seems crazy to say, but whether or not we have children everyone is affected.

Why would it matter if your only child had a sibling? They can get along well with others, they have cousins, they play with the neighborhood kids, and they are very social at school. Isn’t that what matters? I personally love having two siblings, I have one older and one younger and I have one sister and one brother, I literally have one of each of everything. I can see why having one child would be beneficial to you and even to them, more resources could be put towards their development, they could have all the attention in the world. There are benefits to having a sibling though, and as an expert in that area I’d like to open your mind to a few thoughts. I promise our professor brought up some of these in class as well, so I’m not making this up.

Let’s say you are a boy and you have a older sister, basically you have two moms now. If you have a younger sister you are likely to be a sort of dad figure in her life, help her navigate life and boyfriends, but she can help you be kinder and learn patience and she will bring out the best in you.

Now if you are a girl and have a younger brother, you will be another mother, but this will prepare you for any kind of child care. If you have an older brother, he will help you understand guys who don’t make sense to you, and he will be a shoulder you can lean on. We talked to all the girls with older brothers or similar aged brothers, and they said growing up they were in fewer bad relationships, and if they always listened to what their brothers said they weren’t in any bad relationships. Having both a brother and sister in my life was a positive thing, not every experience was positive, but I learned to work well with others, to be more considerate, and to love even those I did not understand.

Having children affects not only you and your spouse, and of course extended family, it affects the world!